“Lost” premieres next week.
We would just like to bring that up. A mere mention. In passing. Because we’re not in any way obsessed with the show.
It’s not like we can rattle off Hurley’s cursed lottery numbers (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42). Or name the manuscript Sawyer was reading in season one (“Bad Twin”). Or draw you a family tree for Daniel Faraday (Mother: crazy physicist. Father: possibly-evil island seeker. Half-sister: love interest of Desmond, the island’s resident button-pusher/time traveler).
It’s not like we gather with “Lost” fans the morning after a new episode to pick apart cliffhangers, toss around increasingly complex theories about the island’s origin or root for Kate and Jack or Kate and Sawyer or Sawyer and Juliet.
It’s not like we’ve been waiting 11 months for this.
So the premiere event is Tuesday (ABC, 8 p.m.). And it got us thinking. If we were among the Lost, what would we want with us on that desert island? To eat? To keep us entertained? To defend ourselves against polar bears and the smoke monster? (It occurs to us that if you aren’t a “Lost” fan, you might think we’re making this stuff up. We aren’t.)
Caswell’s on Main Street, it turns out, is the perfect place to shop for island living. So apt for our “Lost” theme, because who saw that coming?
• Floating golf play set, $12.99
Floating set comes with foam balls, a child-size club and a floaty pad with holes. While away the day with a bit of golf! After all, you can only flirt with Sawyer for so long before getting bored. We presume.
• Capri Sun Sport with electrolytes, 10-pack, $1.57
Think we’re collapsing from dehydration and getting overpowered by The Others? Ah, no. Electrolytes.
• Chef-Mate Country Pork Gravy, 6.5 lbs., $2.97
Wild boar tastes better with gravy. Trust us.
• Eagle Club fishing hooks, 10 ct., 99 cents
For when you can’t catch a wild boar. Or you’ve run out of gravy.
• OFF! insect repellent, $2.49
Tropical islands only look like paradise on TV. In reality they’re plagued by mosquitoes! And gnats! And other annoying bugs! At least that’s what we tell ourselves as we’re shoveling snow for the third time in a week. But now we have bug spray. Where’s the plane?
• Handi Tool-Works measuring tape, $1.49
For building our lush island tree houses. The last time we slept on sand was … OK, never. We’ve never slept on sand and intend to maintain that streak. Two words: wandering grains.
• Wonderful Pistachios, 32 oz., $7.97
Protein that doesn’t have to be stabbed, jabbed or coaxed.
• Red Bull, 12 oz., $2.49
Can’t sleep, polar bears will eat us!
• Titan soap pads, 10 ct., 77 cents
Did you know that if you rub a battery along steel wool you can start a fire? You can! That tip courtesy of The History Channel’s recent how-to-survive-an-apocalypse marathon.
• Duracell D batteries, two-pack, $2.97
We don’t know if the steel wool trick works with D batteries, but it’s worth a try. Fire: good for after the apocalypse, great for a creepy desert island.
• Cottonelle Ultra toilet paper, four rolls, $4.49
Because. You know. It happens.
• Keebler Fudge Shoppe Half-Dipped Grahams, $1.97 and Giant-brand marshmallows, 10 oz., 67 cents
• Market Basket matches, 50 books, 44 cents
No heat, no electricity, no means to keep ol’ smoky at bay? We plan to be unmatched fire starters. And they’re ideal in case that D-battery-soap-pad gizmo doesn’t work out.
Best find: Army camo boonie hat, $4.99
The obvious reason we love this: a wide floppy brim to keep off the sun and colors that make us look very rugged. Less obvious: The name reminds of us Boone, “Lost’s” incredible leg-crushed-by-a-plane hunk. We hear he’ll be back this season. Dead? Alive? Hardly matters. Yeah, he was that hot.
Think twice: Hawaiian Tropic tan amplifier, 8 oz., $2.99
You’re on a desert island. Sun is your tan amplifier.
We found out too late that January is National Drag History Month. Oh, the muumuus we could have shopped for! The oversized stilettos! The banana hammocks!
Know that next year, we intend to be all over it.
Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who love watching “Lost” Labrador Vincent wee his way around the island) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at [email protected] or [email protected]