Bliss Thru Shopping: Of guns and roses

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Earlier this week, as heard on the newsroom’s police scanner, someone threatened to shoot a man because he wouldn’t leave the person’s flowers alone.

Shopping Siren understands the sentiment.  

Let’s be clear: Violence is never, ever a solution to anything. Shooting someone over a flower? Sincerely, a bad idea.

But after a long Maine winter, lawns and gardens are prizes to be cherished, nourished, nurtured. They show the first hints of green after so many months of white, and it’s enough to make a person a little …  possessive. The early spring just means more green to be possessive of.

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The solution? Grow your own green!

Soft, plush grass. Fragrant flowers. Flowing fountains, strategically placed river rocks and trees trimmed just so. Just imagine!

And also, leave your neighbor’s petunias alone.

• Pansies, 5- by 8-inch pot, Landscape World (Lewiston), $6.95

With a name like “Landscape World,” the nursery on outer Lisbon Street had a big promise to live up to. It didn’t disappoint. Lots of garden accoutrements and lots of flowers. In deep purples, blues and reds, the pansies were my favorite. Pretty, hardy in the cold and cheap, you can plant pansies along a fence, plant them in a border around the house or give them a garden all their own. Because nothing says spring like flowers.  

• Glow-in-the-dark globe, Landscape World, $35.95

Large globe that you put … somewhere in your yard. To do … something. Hey, it glows in the dark. Isn’t that enough?

• Stepping stones, Landscape World, $11.95 to $14.95

Landscape-friendly stepping stones carved with fairies, birds or religious designs. Too pretty to step on. Maybe just admire, then hop over. 

• Quoddy Blend lobster compost, Paris Farmers Union, $6.89/cubic foot bag

Lobster compost. Who knew? According to the package, it’s good for conditioning the soil for flower and vegetable gardens, and it can be used by organic gardeners. Melted butter optional. 

• Groundwork whirling lawn sprinkler, Tractor Supply Co., $7.99

Water your grass like a responsible grown-up. Run through the sprinklers like a carefree 10-year-old. It’s the best of both worlds.

• Groundwork grass seed, Tractor Supply Co., $7.99 to $12.99 per 5-lb. bag

Choose from bluegrass, perennial rye or quick ‘n easy grass seeds. Alas, there were no “stops growing after a couple of inches” grass seeds. But then, that’s what cute, shirtless 20-somethings are for. 

• Cub Cadet 23-hp riding lawn mower, Tractor Supply Co., $1,799

Because there were no “stops growing after a couple of inches” grass seeds. And you don’t happen to know any cute, shirtless 20-somethings.

Best find: Solar-powered mole and gopher sonic spike, Paris Farmers Union, $19.89

No need for poisons, traps, guns or other lethal forms of mole and gopher control. Just stick this little sonic, solar-powered spike in the ground and it’s supposed to drive away the critters within 7,500 feet. Kind of like playing Barry Manilow to keep teenagers from lingering too long at a mall.

Think twice: Bat guano, Paris Farmers Union, $5.49/bag

Get desert bat guano for $5.49 for a one-pound bag or cave bat guano for $5.49 for a two-pound bag. I don’t know why cave bat guano is apparently less desirable than the more premium desert bat guano. Or even, really, why you’d want either for fertilizer. Unless it’s to fling at the neighbors when they’re harassing your flowers. Scat!

Shopping Siren’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who love gophers and all the pre-dug holes they offer) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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