When “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” opens next week, all eyes will be on the special effects, yes, and the dinosaurs, the teeth, the drool, the chompiness, but they’ll also be on the heels.
Bryce Dallas Howard’s character spent all of “Jurassic World” three years ago running in super high heels from dinosaurs and, despite critics deriding it last time, it appears for at least some of this movie she’s well-heeled again.
So this week there was only one question to ask ourselves: What impractical awesomeness would we wear fleeing an allosaurus?
We hit five shoe stores and each picked our favorite pair.
Come run away with us.
Bag Lady: Koko Chopout Pump by Christian Siriano for Payless, $34.99
Bright shiny gold with an impossibly thin, 4.25-inch heel. Any dinosaur is going to eat you in these, there’s little doubt there, but the last shot of you will be these beauties dangling out of its mouth. Priceless.
Also, shout-out to Payless for having the most extensive, flirty heel selection of all of the five shops. Coupled with the BOGO half-off sale going on this week, you can get a new pair of high heels for every adventure.
Pink — no, fuchsia — sandals with a 4-inch block heel, buckle ankle strap and a feather-wrapped toe. This shoe screams, “Look at me!” Which, OK, may not be what you want when running from a giant creature intent on devouring you whole. Or, possibly, it’s a good distraction technique? Only Bryce Dallas Howard knows for sure.
Bag Lady: Adore slingback faux-cork wedge by Jellypop, $29.98
Tall enough to be precarious, strappy enough to stay on while hoofing it from the indominous Rex. Side reason for choosing these: Bag Lady and Mr. Bag Lady have been binge-watching A&E’s “Flip Wars” and one flipper constantly wears these wedges. It’s like watching Bryce running around, but in wedges instead of heels and from rats instead of Rexes.
Shopping Siren: Cali Rumblers Sci-fi by Skechers, $34.99
Black elastic-strap sandal with a 2.25-inch wedge heel and memory foam footbed. You’re not going to find a more comfortable running heel. Never mind sprinting for your life from a spinosaurus, you’ll want to wear these babies on your next jog around the neighborhood.
(By the way, Super Shoes had its own BOGO half-off sale this week. ‘Tis the season!)
Bag Lady: Lottie kitten heel with a peep toe by LifeStride, $24.99
Adorable! And, with only a 1.75-inch heel, it’s practically a Nike.
Shopping Siren: Vale peep toe bootie by LifeStride, $34.99
Black bootie with a slim, 2-inch heel and a glossy buckle ankle strap. Super stylish. Wear them with capris, a skirt, jeans, slacks — the possibilities are endless. Run fast, look good. That should be the tagline for the next Jurassic movie.
Bag Lady: Wanderlust by Earth, $84
A pretty shoe with a Mary Jane leather top, chunky, 2-inch heel and shades of silver-black that look a little tap-dancing-inspired. They also may not be movie-star inspired, but they’ll keep you running through your day.
Shopping Siren: Medici II gladiator sandals by Aravon, $109.99
Black leather, adjustable straps, with a thick heel that stands just over 2 inches. “Sturdy” is the best word for these. They look a little clunky, but you definitely won’t roll an ankle, slip down a muddy embankment and become a fresh meal for a dilophosaurus. So there’s that.
The Shoe Dept.
Bag Lady: Black Patent 2 by LifeStride, $12.97
Slingback, 3-inch narrow heel, patent-leather shine, peep toe, slight platform — seems like a dinosaur-fleeing quintuple threat and deeply on sale to boot.
Shout-out to The Shoe Dept. for stocking size 11 women’s shoes. Nothing will hobble you faster than cramming size 11 feet into size 10 heels.
Shopping Siren: Vision pumps by Chelsea Moreland, $29.99
Basic black pumps with a 3½-inch stiletto heel. Look fierce. Feel fierce. Take the world — Jurassic or otherwise — head-on.
Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who may be part velociraptor. Rawr.) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Koko Chopout Pump by Christian Siriano for Payless. Impractical for running from dinosaurs? Yes. Divine nonetheless? Yes. (Web image)
Houston heels by Brash, $34.99 at Payless Shoes. Stand up, stand out, run on. (Web image)