It’s as if you can’t escape them.
Zombies are everywhere.
It’s almost eerie.
The regrettably undead could be so personable but for their gnawing maws, unkempt nails and obsession with braiiinnnsss. So of course BL and Shopping Siren went shopping for them. Because that’s what we do.
Today: Zombies and Lisbon, week three of our road trip. Dear Lisbon Booster Club, please accept our advance apologies for linking your town with a zombie apocalypse. It’s all in good fun.
* Husqvarna chain saw 445 X-Torq, Aubuchon Hardware, $319.99
This orange beaut has an 18-inch blade. That’s long enough, right? To strike and not get struck?
* Hamburger or hot dog, Dairy Maid, $1.45/$1.25
For a snack that’s not you. Also, we picture lots of eating and running during the zombie apocalypse — um, or at least lots of eating and shuffling — which doesn’t leave a lot of time for tending the stove at home.
* Small cyclone, Dairy Maid, $2.50
There’s one flavor zombies love the most: Butterfinger. Remember that.
* Poultry (wire) netting, 24 inches by 50 feet, Aubuchon, $18.99
For ensconcing yourself. What, you thought we’d suggest velvet? If you’re going to go down, don’t go down easy.
* Stable Durafork, Aubuchon, $13.47 (reg. $15.29)
If a pitchfork and a rake had a baby, it would look like this. Red, plastic and with tines sharp enough to scare back any zombie who has even the slightest self-preservation instinct. We assume that’s at least half of them.
* Bekaert 18 high tensile barbed wire, 80 rods, Aubuchon, $46.99
We’re rod-ignorant, but this looked like a lot of wire. And very menacing. Line the edge of the lawn, then line the windows, in a figure-8 pattern, for extra protection.
* Bassett Mirror and Cape Craftsman decorative easel, Furniture Superstore, $98 and $118
Zombies aren’t, by and large, very reflective beings. Therefore, we kind of love this 24- by 36-inch mirror and stand. Plus: Set a mannequin across the room and reflect its image out the front door using this mirror at an angle so zombies will attack it first.
They’re also not very bright.
Honorable mention: Glow-in-the-dark “Zombie Strong” wristband, zombierightscampaign.org, $5
Though not technically located in Lisbon — we wish! — we must give a scraggly nod of the head to Zombie Rights Campaign. They’re behind “Lurch for the Cure,” raising money for cancer research and publicizing the rights of the “differently animated.”
And seriously, Lurch for the Cure? All the good ideas are taken.
Best find: Lane Furniture cedar wedding chest, Furniture Superstore, $498
A false bottom, a false front, a lock and a beautiful finish. When all else fails, hide.
Think twice: Mega Pop Popcorn, 8 oz., Aubuchon, $1.99
Ready-to-pop popcorn listed as “butter-like flavored.” For 5 cents each you can also get cute little paper bags to carry said butter-like flavored popcorn. Adorable and yummy. Great snack while you sit at your living room window and watch your neighbors get eaten by the zombie horde. (See, they didn’t get the barbed wire/Durafork/chain saw. Ha!) But, really, is that a nice thing to do? We think not — you’re no survivalist jerk. So instead of watching “Zombieland” in real life 3-D, invite your poor, apocalypse-ravaged neighbors to share your zombie-proof fort. Just make sure they aren’t sporting drool, bags around the eyes, facial ticks or slack jaws. And if they mention braiiinnnsss, run!
* Prices as of 5/11
Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who also like Butterfingers, but swear they aren’t zombies) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com.