It’s happened again.
Just as every January brings a glut of curbside Christmas trees and the delight that is International No Pants Day, it’s once again brought a bout of retail ennui for Bag Lady that’s best summed up as, shopping, eh.
To be clear, by February, it, too, shall pass and I’ll be eagerly plopping down a twenty-spot on chocolates, a Valentine’s Day card and darling random-name-brand rose flats at Marden’s (they’ll go with my dark jeans and my gray dress pants). But until then, let’s take a week to kick back, bundle up and talk about the Maine woman on “America’s Next Top Model” and whether Bag Lady should get a puppy.
You know, other important things.
Just call her ‘homegirl,’ or don’t …
So you likely didn’t notice because you stopped watching “America’s Next Top Model” three decades ago, but last season, Bag Lady got newly hooked on the reality show competition. This new season started with 24 women, quickly winnowed down to 15 who live in the model house, pose in outrageous get-ups and pick fights with one another. One of those 15? Maggie from Surry, Maine!
She talked about how growing up Down East was a prep-fest and a move to California uncovered her inner yo-yo-yo homegirl. I know — you think I’m making this up and I’m totally not. Also not made up: Maggie got her walking papers last week so she’ll yo-no-mo.
If we can stay on TV just one moment
One of Shopping Siren and Bag Lady’s favorites, “Married at First Sight,” is back on and this season it’s in Boston! Tune in to see places you’ve been AND people who may already be divorced! I mean, I hope not. Some of those kids look like they can make it. Except for Jephte. He’s so out of there.
Still, loving it.
That’s in sharp contrast to the 18 hours of my life I just lost watching the new season of “Twin Peaks.” What. The. Frick. Just. Happened.
I was such a fan of the original “Twin Peaks,” but this 2017 version veered between just OK and leaving me infuriated. Which is maybe how Jephte feels right now.
I’m done cleaning up pee and other things you should know
At the risk of breaking the fourth wall a bit, the stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers who guard our true identities were kinda sorta originally based on Bag Lady’s real-life dogs whose numbers have dropped to one. One old, lovely, mostly blind girl. Which has brought Mr. Bag Lady’s thoughts to puppies.
We’ve had dogs for a looooong time, but I’m just not sure I can do it again: the crate training, the chewed shoes, the gnawed everything, the accidents. Does it make me too old? Too practical? It’s all easy to think about, of course, before he’s brought home something sweet, silly, snuggly and wiggly …
Fine! If he lets me name it, we’ll talk.
If we had gone shopping this week
Bag Lady could have dedicated a column to outfitting your Super Bowl LII party, given that it will star the locally loved/derided New England Patriots.
Except you don’t need me to tell you where to find fabulous football-shaped paper plates or how to follow Tom Brady’s recipe for avocado ice cream, which sounds ungodly but theme-appropriate. So maybe Sunday, lay it out next to salsa and chips with a sign that says, “MAKE SURE YOU DON’T PASS ON TOM BRADY’S AVOCADO ICE CREAM!” and your guests will titter, if nothing else.
Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who are over this ice, over it!) and the customer service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at email@example.com.
To puppy or not to puppy?