Mr. Bag Lady took a nasty spill on a slab of dastardly, devious, snow-covered ice during a recent storm, ironically, while trekking out to retrieve Bag Lady’s snow-gripper slip-ons from her trunk.
He winced for three weeks with a bruised tailbone.
It’s also, in hindsight, totally avoidable.*
* Though no less chivalrous, sweetheart.
With Valentine’s Day safely past, there’s no need for such head-over-heels declarations. There’s also enough winter left that BL and Shopping Siren have resolved: No more slip-ups. No more bruised egos or tailbones. No more leaving things in our cars that probably ought to be left in the mudroom in the first place.**
** Think he didn’t mention that after returning back to the house? Oh, yeah, he did. But nicely. Chivalry!
This snowy, icy (insert favorite expletive) winter has got to end sometime, but it probably won’t end anytime soon. Or, at least, not soon enough.
* Tingley weather fashions rubber overshoes, Lamey Wellehan, $29.95
Slip these on over your flats for a little extra protection and traction in inclement weather. The box notes that the rubber doesn’t hide your entire shoe; there’s still a little fashion sticking out.
* Vaporizer rock salt, 50 pounds, Home Depot, $6.98
Claims its best melting temperature is minus 30 degrees Fahrenheit. Basically, this rock salt walks around with its jacket unzipped, with wet hair, in subzero weather; it’s that cocky.
* Grip Trax, O’Reilly Auto Parts (former VIP), $12.99
Two yellow plastic tracks that wedge under your tires and enable you to drive out of whatever hole you’ve dug yourself into this time. Unbreakable, package says, and good for snow, sand and mud. All-ick terrain.
* Rain-X 2-in-1, gallon, O’Reilly, $4.49
For dispersing snow and bugs and road grime. True story: Bag Lady has a new-to-her vehicle and isn’t entirely sure how to pop the hood and refill the windshield wash. She’ll probably, quite innocently, wait for the middle of a toad-hailing storm to ask Mr. Bag Lady to go outside and look into it . . . .
* Stabilicers lite snow grippers, Lamey Wellehan, $21.95
Don’t walk, run (gingerly) to grab these. There’s only one pair of pink rubber snow-gripper slip-ons left and three in black. Cute, subtle and they give you the traction of a . . . creature that doesn’t fall a lot in the winter. We’re thinking Yeti. You never hear about them and embarrassing spills.
Note: Grippers work best if you don’t leave them in the trunk of your car.
* True Temper yellow kid-sized snow shovel, Home Depot, $6.97
For best results, hand said shovel to the neighborhood tots and have them clear off and expose the dastardly, devious ice for you. Put ’em to work, we say! Then, get ’em off our lawn. Nicely.
* Thor double-bladed telescoping ice scraper, Home Depot, $19.88
Wicked looking implement with plastic blades crisscrossed with rubber-tipped blades to form an X. Confusing in a way an ice scraper should never be, but we have to give it props for the name. Thor! As in, “I, mighty Thor, smite thee!” If anything should be smote this time of year, it’s ice.
* Vaporizer pet safe ice melter, 20 pounds, Home Depot, $10.97
Won’t hurt paws or pavement. Win! Because Buddy doesn’t have the traction of a Yeti either.
Best find: Three nights Rio Mar Beach Resort & Spa in Puerto Rico, Dube Travel, $445 per person
Accommodations come with a VIP Value Card that gives discounts on golf, tennis, spa services, salon services and daily cabana rental. The deal is land only, so you’ll still have to pay to get down there, but let us just point out that it’s in the 80s in Puerto Rico right now. The only ice you’ll find is in a tropical drink topped by a little umbrella and handed to you by a smiling cabana boy. Which is the absolute best, best way to find ice.
Think twice: Vibram women’s Five Fingers shoes, Lamey Wellehan, $52.47
Located in the clearance room, with limited sizes and colors. Made for outdoor enthusiasts, these light, rugged sports shoes look like feet, with slots for each toe, to enhance “foot feel” when walking or running. The problem? Smooth soles with no traction that we could see. Not so great for February. Or March. Or, dare we say it, April. Maybe by June? Certainly July. We hope. In the meantime, we’re wearing our grippers. And checking out flights to Puerto Rico.
Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who have bruised their own tailbones more than once this winter) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com.