Excuse us for, uh, just a moment.
We *sniff* seem to have gotten something in our eyes.
No, no, that’s OK. We’re sure, hic, we’ll be fine in just a jiff. These things happen all the time. It’s probably for the best, really. Better to have loved and lost, right?
Oh, it’s no use.
“Lost” goes off the air forever on Sunday. We’re all weepy just thinking about it.
For six long seasons, Bag Lady and Shopping Siren have weathered the highs and the lows and the huhs? of the show about people trapped on a seriously weird island. This weekend it all pays off. And, probably, everybody dies. Or, well, half of everybody. Frankly, “Lost” hasn’t been a show afraid of gunshots, explosions or swift shovels to the back of the head, so the finale should be no different. We already started bawling two weeks ago when the writers killed off Sun and Jin. (Oh my God, drowning together, holding hands, all kissy and undying lovey … don’t even get us started!)
You know it’s just like us to go into a situation like this prepared. So this week we put seven boxes of tissues to the test. The criteria: How nice would the box look on our coffee table for the five-hour-plus finale event and beyond? How did the tissues feel? And how good were said tissues at absorbing tears? (As a tear stand-in, we used a half-teaspoon of water. Awkward to turn on the waterworks in the middle of the office in the middle of the day. But, then, when you think about the possibility of Sawyer getting gnawed in half by a polar bear …)
We hit Walmart for a broad sample. In the end, we walked away with new insights — tissues can, apparently, have warning labels — and a clear winner.
Bring on the heart-wrenching deaths and the end to one of the best shows on television! Our tissues are at the ready.
• Great Value, 100 sheets, $1.46 (price per sheet: 1.5 cents)
Beauty: 4 (out of five, five being best)
Absorbency: almost 2
Bottom line: Box was pretty (chocolate brown with shades-of-pink polka dots), but the tissues inside the pretty box were thin, barely absorbent and not at all worth crying over.
• Great Value with lotion, 80 sheets, $1.46 (pps: 1.8 cents)
Bottom line: Box was hard to open and tissues immediately snagged and ripped on the opening. The tissue itself was three-ply soft, offered light lotion and no odor. Not bad for dabbing at your eyes when Sawyer, Kate and Hurley join Jack in drinking Jacob’s potion, become co-guardians of the island and, in a rousing end, kill Smokey. (Shopping Siren’s theory.)
• Puffs with Vicks, 60 sheets, $1.87 (pps: 3.1 cents)
Absorbency: Um. Water beaded up on top. We’re not sure if that’s really good or really bad.
Bottom line: A great tissue if you have a cold (Vicks smell was very strong, eliciting reactions like “Whoa,” “Wow,” and “My sinuses! My sinuses!”). If we were sick and stuffed, this would be our winner. However, it’s not so great as a crying tissue. In fact, the box warns, “Avoiding contact with eyes is recommended.” Because there’s crying over the loss of your favorite TV show and then there’s crying because you’ve gotten menthol in your baby blues.
• Puffs ultra soft and strong, 60 sheets, $1.47 (pps:2.5 cents)
Bottom line: Strong and soft. Just like Sawyer (sigh). Our highest-scoring tissue. Puffs, you may now take the podium.
• Kleenex antiviral, 75 sheets, $1.74 (pps:2.3 cents)
Bottom line: The middle of three layers includes little blue dots that we assume have something to do with the tissue’s antiviral properties. Kills 99 percent of germs, the box says. Because that’s what we need Sunday — more killing.
• Kleenex colors, 100 sheets, $1.74 (pps: 1.7 cents)
Feel: 4-plus (Shopping Siren), solid 3 (Bag Lady)
Bottom line: Thick, soft and pink. Very pink. You can also get these tissues in very blue or very almond. Otherwise known as beige. For people who don’t want to go out on a limb with their tissues. (As for the split on the feel rating, BL thinks SS was unduly influenced by the pretty color. SS thinks BL can stuff it.)
• Scotties, 75 count, $1 (pps: 1.3 cents)
Beauty: 3 (best we could find was a swirly, old-lady pattern)
Bottom line: We applaud Scotties’ environmental stewardship (box says the company plants three trees for every one it uses), but we weren’t so impressed with their tissues. Scotties scored the lowest in our highly unscientific tear test, but comes in on top for low price per sheet.
End result: Armed with seven boxes of tissues between us, we’re now adequately prepared for Sunday. We *sniff* hope.
Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who cry on the inside when they run out of pig ears) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org.