Apologies in advance for the jingle. You know, the one that tells you Wayfair’s got just what you need. It sticks in your head.
And then, based on the commercial, a dance party ensues.
Because that’s what online shopping needs. Dance parties.
We at Bliss usually stay away from the online-only big guys, but Wayfair.com is a Mainer now (sales and operation centers in Brunswick and Bangor, 1,000 jobs touted). It’ll always be “from away,” but we’re a welcoming people here, surely. We have room in our hearts for all kinds of shopping.
So Shopping Siren wandered around the site this week to see what this Wayfair thing is all about. The commercials seem to sell dance lessons. Or maybe music? Large amounts of caffeine?
Nope. Home goods and furniture.
Which, OK, those are good, too.
* Space station play tent with tunnels, $106.99
In space, no one can hear you scream. In your living room, everyone can. This cool, realistic-looking space station tent with four docking tunnels will help with that. Send your kids into the tent and … well, that’s pretty much it. Let ’em have a blast pretending to be astronauts or space pirates or Wall-E while you kick back with a margarita. Or while you finish the dishes. Whichever.
Fair warning, your kids will go from playing in a space station tent in the living room to clamoring to go to Space Camp. Next stop, Mars! But after kindergarten.
* Balloon animal novelty chair for kids, $76.99
In red, orange or green, this plastic chair looks like a clown twisted together a giant balloon dog and plopped it down for your little one to enjoy. So adorable for the 5-, 6-, 7-year-old set. Coincidentally, as Bag Lady pointed out, that’s the last age at which you will see this chair and think, “Oh, that looks comfortable.”
* 60-inch CatHaven leafy cat tree, $154.99
It shouldn’t be revolutionary to make a cat tree look like an actual tree, but there it is. This 60-inch cat tree has four tiers, all covered in silk leaves and built atop a fake-grass base. The cat in the online photos looks both intrigued and a little weirded out. Also, in one pic, sleepy. Your cats may vary.
Note: Wayfair offers free shipping on all orders over $49, so you can get this 27-pound tree sent to your home with no added cost. Also, it comes with a free cat toy: the box.
* Jeweled amethyst chandelier, $54
It’s purple, it’s bejeweled and it’s an open box item, which means you get a deal because someone returned it. Huzzah! If that’s not the shopping trifecta, I don’t know what is.
Like the open box concept but not so much this chandelier? Wayfair maintains a whole Open Box Outlet. Some stranger’s regretful midnight shopping binge has never been so rewarding.
* Yankee Doodle melamine bowls, set of six, $33.99
Blue bowls rimmed in red and covered in white stars. Perfect for your upcoming Fourth of July barbecue. Or for an especially patriotic Halloween.
* Cyborg skeleton bookends, $48.99
Part mutant, part zombie, part cyborg, part skeleton skull, all ghoulishly cool. For holding up your books. But, really, for creeping out the cable guy.
* Reindeer ring holder, $10.61
In copper or nickel, this little guy will hold your bracelets on his tail and your rings on his antlers. Cute and useful. And, as one online reviewer put it, reminiscent of a “Harry Potter” patronus. Only less glowy.
* Giant wooden yard dice, $42.99
Set of six dice each measuring 11 inches high and 8 inches wide. So, pretty big. The description says you use them to “play whatever dice games you know, just on a larger scale!” Of course, that assumes the dice games you know are appropriate for playing outside in front of the neighbors.
Best find: 3-in-1 Mini Breakfast Shoppe toaster oven, $37.08
Red toaster oven with a built-in side coffee maker and a little griddle on top, so you can make eggs, toast and coffee in one fell swoop. Fair warning: This thing is compact, so don’t expect to get a giant meal out of it. But that just leaves more room for cake.
Think twice: Cow in a Santa hat area rug, $68.99
This 2- by 3-foot wool area rug features a skeptical-looking black and white cow sporting a red Santa hat while the snow falls softly around her. Yes, Christmas is in just 185 days, but there’s no reason to rush things. Grab a lemonade, relax in the shade and imagine all you could do with giant dice on the lawn. That’s what you need.
Shopping Siren’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who dance to the beat of their own drum) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at email@example.com.