It’s finally happened. Bag Lady is turning into her mother. Follically.
Frankly, it’s scaring the pigment out of me.
First, it was a new white hair every month or so. Lately, it’s picked up steam. Four more here, three more there. Short, long, wavy, straight. My first reaction was to pluck them one by one, but, alas, that’s a pretty shortsighted resort. I’m not going to pluck myself bald and clearly, that’s where this is heading.
So, my next tactic for self-soothing: Diversion. (And, maybe, not standing so close to any mirrors.)
• Candies thin black headband with zipper bow, Kohl’s, $7.20
You can’t swing Vera Wang without hitting something with a zipper accessory this spring. Somewhere, pants are crying.
• Pink flower elastic headband, Deb, $5.99/buy-one-get-one 50 percent off
I love the idea of these, bold and flirty. Like Bag Lady before white locks and creeky knees.
• Silver wire headband with rhinestone star, Deb, $5.99/buy-one-get-one 50 percent off
Delicate — the wire is just thicker than a toothpick — and distracting — see “rhinestone star.”
• Croft & Barrow straw hats, Kohl’s, $24
Tan, black, pink, red, wide brim or short. All have a little tag that says they’re packable. That is, of course, a pressing factor when buying a straw hat.
• Sesame Street and Muppets ball caps, Spencer Gifts, $19.99
Curiously short bills with Elmo, Kermit, Cookie and company. Don one of these and I’m thinking absolutely no one will notice those white strands. Will they still stare and point? Perhaps.
Best find: Buy-one-get-one-free boxes of clearance fedoras, Spencer, various prices
A fedora-a-day! Just saying that makes me happy.
Think twice: Batman black scary clown ski mask, Spencer, $16.99
The option of last resort: Hiding one’s entire head. Think, too, of all the robberies you’d be blamed for. Not cool.
Yes, we can count
This just in: We are not idiots.
Last week’s column was supposed to start:
“Two words that have never gone together in the history of words getting together and pairing off: Risque cookbook.”
Instead, it read, “Risque and cute; cookbook.”
Which is, notably, nonsensical. And more than two words.
From what we hear, computer gremlins that hate accent hash marks are to blame. Honest.
At the Auburn Mall, written in the window of the former FYE space: “Coming soon, Rick’s Movies, Music and More!”
A nice sign given all the Movie Galleries that have folded around town. We’re hoping the “more” is ponies.
Have you warded off your snake today?
Bag Lady has not forgotten the Great Basement Snake Summer of ’09. I didn’t bore you with every screamy detail, but I eventually found four — four?! — snakes inside our bulkhead last year. It was awful. Awful!
But, then, I wonder, maybe we hadn’t made it clear. Maybe for some reason they thought they were welcome to loaf their dirty, slinking selves on my concrete. Enter EcoSmart Organic Home Pest Control (Home Depot, $8.99, 64 oz.)
It says it’s safe around kids and pets yet “kills and repels over 100 home invading pests” with ingredients like clove, rosemary and peppermint oil.
So, dear snakes, this is my warning shot across your bow. Sniff it. Heed it. Beat it.
Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who have no qualms about going gray) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org