COLUMN: Talk of the town

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Route 136 reopens

This is big. Route 136 serves as a major corridor connecting Lewiston-Auburn with Freeport and other cities of economic importance. This connection is crucial to the vitality of our community as well as convenient for the hard-working men and women who use it to travel to and from their places of occupation. Also, Route 136 is a very dark road where it is easy to pull over and pee.

December art review

The winter line is out at the base of the Veteran’s Bridge in Lewiston. Three new offerings in browns and golds, in keeping with seasonal trends. The first of them is the word “Tace” written in bold gold with strong shadow effects. The center piece is the word “Risk,” spray painted in an audacious font this reviewer has not seen before. The topper is the word “Sewer,” also in gold and heavy on the shadow, a marvelous, visual orgy of color and contour. Together, these new offerings portend a season of great energy and innovativeness in the ghetto art scene. Look for these promising artists soon in the alley behind City Hall.

You can tell me, I’m a doctor

RIP Leslie Nielsen, the absolute master of deadpan comedy. It’s a pity he couldn’t deliver his own eulogy – the more serious he looked, the funnier he became. The whole world could mourn and wet themselves at the same time.

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But now, there really is no one left to land that plane. Peter Graves? Dead. Lloyd Bridges? Dead. The old woman who spoke jive? Presumably way dead. Robert Hays is still alive, but I think he’s doing Lifetime movies or something horrible like that.

Illegal marriages?

It’s just sick. When a criminal enterprise exists to bring men and women together, it’s supposed to be for sex. Now I suppose we’ll see strip joints where you slide a dollar bill into a dancer’s G-string and become legally married to her. And peep shows where drooling men look at strangers modeling wedding gowns. And porno movies will feature the wedding march instead of that cool chicka-bow-wow music. It’s just wrong. I don’t understand the world anymore.

Salvation!

Marden’s has a supply of Bibles in. Just $4.99. A great Christmas gift for that special sinner in your life. I was going to buy one myself, but every time I tried to pick it up, I got a burning sensation in my hand. Must be some kind of allergy.

Fashion arrest

The suspect in a Lewiston bike theft was described as a teenager wearing glimmer pants of red and orange topped by a green sweatshirt. Sounds sort of like a Christmas lawn ornament, doesn’t it? Do you know where your inflatable Grinch was on the night in question?

Speaking of inflatable lawn stuff

The season’s first Christmas display theft should be coming along any day now. We’ll do a story on the saddened family and a copy editor will make damn sure some variation of “Local Grinch Steals Christmas” is fashioned into the headline. It’s a law, you know.

Vista Drive

The big Christmas display is on! Now it’s off again. Wait a minute, they’re saying it’s on! No. It’s off. Is it me? Or has this business been more hotly debated than that casino thing?

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