Talk of the town: Mark's pen pals get shameless plugs

Love connection

I keep getting spam mail from a woman named Ulyanna. At least I think it's spam. If your name is Ulyanna and you really are looking to meet nice boys for fun and romance, hit me up. I have just the guy for you. His name is Reynaldo and he sells male enhancement products. An old pen pal of mine.

Parental discretion advised

Happy Father's Day, you fathers. You know, that's not nearly as fun as ending a sentence with "you mothers." I couldn't tell you why, exactly.

Sketchy

Ol' Bill Eldridge, a man I have never met, is at it again. His latest caricature details my new book "Guys Named Jack," which can be found at marklaflamme.com or at your favorite online seller website. Awesome opportunity for an unabashed plug. Now, what was I talking about? Oh, right. Bill Eldridge, the brilliant artist who has created sketches of me in various forms, including one where I had a Buddha belly for some reason, and nipples the size of pepperonis. In his latest, it's not me, but a group of Jacks from the book. One has spiked hair, one has nerd glasses, one looks like a hayseed. It's like he's read the book! Which he hasn't. "I, of course, don't have a clue about the content of your new book," he writes in the lower corner. He then goes on to place my name with the likes of King, Koontz, Hemingway, Mailer and – this is particularly astute – Mad Magazine. You're all right, Bill Eldridge. I mean, I assume.

Streets closed

Is it me? Or are at least half the streets in Lewiston closed down on any given day this spring? It's never the same streets twice. One day, Walnut Street is open, the next day it is not. Same with all the sides streets, where signs and heavy machinery appear for no apparent reason. You might pass it off as routine construction, but not me. I think they're secretly digging up something that happens to be the size of the downtown. Can you say extraterrestrial craft? You scoff now, but wait until they retrieve an alien creature from the tree streets and that creature promptly joins the mayoral race.

Vote for this guy

And speaking of the mayoral race, I'm voting for the big, fair-skinned former cop. He's way better than that other guy.

Ah, go row your boat

It's official: After revealing that I paddled a canoe backward from Malaga Island, I've heard every boating joke known to man. So don't even try laying new ones on me. It's a dang good thing you people never heard about my unfortunate mishap with a pogo stick.

Boing, boing, splurt

That's what the unfortunate pogo mishap sounded like.

Tickle your ivories?

If you'd like me to come to your house and play this column on the piano while you eat a hearty, nutritious breakfast . . . I won't do it, but I'd enjoy being asked.

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Comments

Steve  Dosh's picture

Talk of the town: Mark's pen pals get shameless plugs

. .Nice ? 16:30 hst ? Monday the day after Father's day . .
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_and_Ray_Magliozzi
.. .heh Hope your's was a d r y one ;) /s Steve
http://www.hawaiiantel.net/news/read/category/Top%20News/article/ap-texa...

KATHRYN PENDLETON's picture

REAL

Lewiston people will vote for that former cop. First and only person to get the ball rolling.

Steve  Dosh's picture

REAL what ? Kathie , ¿

REAL what ? Kathie , ¿ ƒaster than a bowling ball ? hth ? Steve http://www.la-mag.com/ <- s h a m e l e s s plug , also •

Steve  Dosh's picture

Mark , Happy Fathers Day 2 0

Mark , Happy Fathers Day 2 0 1 3
. . Ah yes , we can always turn to you for some well scripted humor :D
¿ Alien - nation right they'ya in L/A ? From the decrepit Lisbon St . s e w e r system ? Could happen • 
" His name is Reynaldo and he sells male enhancement products. " l o l . . ..You and Mike Meyers . Are you sure he name wasn't Retardo ( the Spanish retard ) ? Surely you remember him . No tenga peña . Yo puedo ayudarles en cual quier lengua . .. Portuguese tambem ?  Pues . .i know about enuf ƒrench to get my face slapped ?
Pogo stix have gone hi-tech these days ( eyeing his own son's Razor ® brand $US42.88 stick ) and as far your little dingy goes ?
Chistosa ..
Gulls and bouys . .pointers and setters .
To the rest room , Squidword Q. Tentacles /s Steve

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