Every time a bell rings
Someone goes to hell. This time, it’s a daylight thief who swiped a wallet from an 80-year-old Lewiston woman. Lifted it right from her walker, did this new inhabitant of the endless pit of fire. When they catch him or her, no excuse will satiate the masses. Hungry? Hooked on dope? Nice try, Sticky Fingers. Just step onto the elevator and begin the long journey south.
This story broke whilst I was on vacation. A real drag too, because I was itching to get a story like that – a story with a headline that reads like a B horror title. Bedbugs everywhere. There’s probably one on your eyebrow this very moment.
Ha! Made you look.
Puppies for rent by the hour
I will be shocked and disappointed if I don’t see someone launch this business by the end of summer. With the new dog park up and running in Lewiston, the puppy rental biz is a sure moneymaker. Want to meet the perfect girl but don’t know how to introduce yourself because you’re a stammering idiot? Let a month-old beagle do all the work for you. For a reasonable fee*, the droopy-eyed pooch is yours and he’s bound to elicit squeals of affection from throngs of pretty ladies at the park. For a few extra bucks we’ll even provide a back story** to further pave the way to romantic bliss. We only hope you can handle all the action you’ll be getting once you’ve signed on. And while renting an animal for such lascivious reasons may not be the most scrupulous thing in the world, it’s far sight better than our previous enterprise. Rent a Cute Baby was just doomed from the start.
*Let’s say $79.99 just to get this off the ground.
** You adopted the pup to entertain the various orphans you visit on weekends. That’ll be $29.99. No checks.
Spice up your love life
In Lewiston, or possibly Auburn, on Thursday, a domestic scrap was reported in the form of a couple flinging barbecue sauce at each other. Police were called off and a team of waiters was dispatched instead. It’s just sad. Not only is there marital discord, the combatants gain ugly calories at the same time. Bet the making up phase is particularly delicious though.
A sure way to lose friends these days is to criticize this blockbuster hit. I’m going to take my chances, though, and just say it: I hated this movie.
"Inception" is a movie with a mind-blowing concept and stellar acting. Unfortunately, the creators didn’t feel this was enough and what we’re left with is an over-elaborate, tedious plot. Instead of telling their story, the director chose instead to pummel the viewer with mindless action in an attempt to distract them away from glaring plot holes. They’re making stuff up as they go along and hoping you won’t notice through the smoke of explosions and gunfire on the screen. "Inception" is another movie that tries to demand respect. Point out its shortcomings and your intelligence will be questioned by the same people who insist that all Cohen Brother movies are superb simply because the word Cohen is listed in the credits. A pox on you, I say. I’m just hoping the adult film by the same title will be better.