Mark LaFlamme: Talk of the town

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To hair is human

Turns out that human hair is just fantastic for mopping up oil, like the stuff gushing from undersea down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The solution is obvious: snatch bald every BP executive and then go to work on anyone who has ever uttered the line “drill, baby drill.” Form an orderly line, oil fiends. We’re not stopping at the hair on your head.

Swimmers will be eaten and also arrested

Rumors swirled early in the week after it was reported that a fisherman spotted an alligator in Lake Auburn. A call was quickly put out to cryptozoology master Loren Coleman, who waded into the cool lake to begin his investigation and was immediately arrested. No bodily contact with the lake, sucker! If Mr. Coleman was from these parts, he’d know that actually touching Lake Auburn is regarded as a hanging offense, if not a mortal sin.

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It didn’t really happen that way of course. But that’s the kind of excitement we’d get around here if Lake Auburn had a monster in it. But no. Even slithering creatures, with giant heads and probosci strong enough to suck babies right out of their cribs, are frightened away by the warning signs posted every 10 feet around the lake. So instead of enjoying the thrill of a lake monster, we have to settle for what is found in the Lewiston canals when they are drained each summer. Isn’t that coming up pretty soon? I just peed a little with excitement.

Things-to-do

Got a note in the mail that reads like a list of chores taped to a refrigerator.

“Mark, we need you. Need fixing: Kennedy Park gazebo. Flag pole, Main Street needs paint job. Wall next to Espo’s Restaurant, needs fixing. Looks like a war zone. Thank you.”

That’s all. And while it doesn’t say so, I think the implication is that I’m not to go out and play until these things are taken care of. What a gyp! Anybody got a hammer, duct tape and a staple gun I can borrow?

You’re a tomato

Boxing illegal in Maine? How’d you like to be the guy who has to deliver that news? “Excuse me, fellas. I’ll have to ask you to stop this pugilistic display in the interest of law and order.” Next thing you know, Burgess Meredith is hammering on you like a slab of hanging beef. And that’s ugly because Burgess Meredith has been dead since episode three.

Gaga, ooh la la

Did you hear all the old-timers (you) getting their panties in a bunch over Her GaGaness’ appearance on American Idol? You don’t get her. You’re shocked at her appearance. You just don’t know what happened to all the respectable musicians, like that sexy Pat Boone. The way you see it, the world is going to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks in a handcart.

Yeesh. Way to turn into your grandparents, you old crank. Now drink your Ovaltine, watch the Lawrence Welk tapes I got you and go to sleep. Some of us are trying to enjoy GaGa’s mesh over here.

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