Bag Lady has had her head in the metaphorical toilet all week.
Blame the former Redneck Olympics.
Ever since reading about the now-Redneck Blank's toilet-seat horseshoe games, I'll confess to being incredibly intrigued. What type of seat throws best? Overhand, underhand or, er, sidehand? With the lid open and flopping about as a nasty, erratic counterweight or with the lid hacked off for a clean, circuitous toss?
According to a reliable source, the seats used in the Redneck Blank last weekend in Hebron came from a former restaurant, didn't have lids, were chucked underhand and were in shades of white and hunter orange.
That cleared up most details but left one last nagging question: With time and attention, how good could Bag Lady possibly become at toilet-seat horseshoes?
Clearly, step one is procuring a practice seat.
Only 51 more weeks to go until the next Redneck Blank, and after Thursday night's coverage by "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," 2013 will probably be bigger than ever. That's more would-be contenders.
So get that throwing arm ready. And in the meantime, shop.
Speaking of intense competitions, care to guess — between The Home Depot and Lowe's — who wins the Retail Toilet Seat Games of 2012?
Gah! The suspense.
* Bemis heavy-duty commercial seat, Home Depot, $21.48
The most naturally horseshoe-shaped seat — for when you've got no time to customize.
* Mayfair designer elongated toilet seat, Bed, Bath & Beyond, $25.99
Made in the USA, it boasts "non-tarnish chrome" and is very heavy. Like fat terrier heavy. Heft with care.
* Church Next Step seat, Lowe's, $32.98
A molded wood seat with a mini potty training seat held in place on the lid with a magnet. Practice for the Redneck Blank with the big, go for gold with the mini. That's skillz.
* Bemis whisper-close enameled wood seat, Home Depot, $29.97
White, round, made of recycled wood and with a "no slam" sticker on the lid. Bag Lady tried to give it a slam. There was no tantrum in the aisle to be had.
* Kohler Cachet with 3Q Advantage, The Home Depot, $39.97
Those Q's: quick attach, quick release and quiet. Like a ninja's commode.
* Mayfair soft round seat, Bed, Bath & Beyond, $15.99
I am anti-padded toilet seat, generally. They crack and get pinchy and what will guests think when you've offered up a cracked, pinchy loo? Tell you what I have thought: ick. However, in pursuit of immortality, exceptions can be made. For throwing purposes, padded seems light, and it's relatively less expensive, so, perhaps for beginning tossers.
Best find: Church molded wood seat, Lowe's, $9.97
Made in the USA (we love that), it's round, a decent weight and reasonably priced — all must-haves for a practice seat. Not bad either for a more practical use.
Think twice: Aquasource plastic seat, Lowe's, $22.98
Robin's-egg blue. (Or as they prefer to label it, azul.) Surely, ugliness affects air speed.
Winner of the Retail Toilet Seat Games of 2012: Lowe's, by a leg. Lowe's had 50 toilet seats out on display; The Home Depot, 42.
Bag Lady's true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who also were made in the USA) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at email@example.com.