Put your pants back on and we’ll talk


Tourist trap

If there’s anybody who needs a camera crew following him around 24 hours a day, it’s animal control expert Rich Burton. A couple months ago he was attacked and mauled, not by a raccoon, skunk or dingo, but by an adult woman. And that was just on his WAY to work. Last week, he was called down to the the Kennebunk area to free a skunk from an ornamental lobster trap in somebody’s yard. And here I thought only tourists fell for that trick.

Seeing is believing

I swear I am not drunk, stoned or outright lying. Not this time, anyway. Driving along the Androscoggin River next to Riverside Drive in Durham last weekend, I spotted a plastic pink flamingo poking out of a small dune in the middle of the river. I think spotting a real pink flamingo would be stranger than spotting a fake one under those circumstances. How did it get there? Did some random boater leave it? And if so, why was the random boater roaming around the river with lawn ornaments? It’s all very mysterious and totally not made up. If you don’t believe it, you can ask the elf who was riding shotgun that day on my unicorn.

Don’t stop beleiving

This is a message scribbled onto a stop sign at Sullivan Road and Route 202 in Lewiston. Don’t stop learning how to spell, Bub. But anyway, that message reminded me of all the others you find scrawled on stop signs. “Stop war!” “Stop! Look around.” “Stop in the name of love.” To name but a few. I always want to write: “Stop that nasty thing you’re doing in your car right now, you dirty bird, because it’s disgusting.” But I keep running out of spray paint.

Trump vs. Megyn Kelly

Two paid actors following scripts and the mainstream media would have you believe this is the biggest story since Hitler vs. World. It’s not. This story is not even as big as Cheers vs. Old Town Tavern in the grand scheme of things. It’s not as important at Doritos vs. Tostitos, pen vs. pencil, Slinky vs. Big Wheel or cat vs. dog, and it’s CERTAINLY not as important as Mary Ann vs. Ginger. Shuddup already with these petty distractions.


Mary Ann, and by a large margin.

Alarming news

All kinds of folks were momentarily freaked out Wednesday night when the emergency alert alarm began screeching over their phones. Me, I wet myself a little. The alarm was advising that heavy rains could lead to flooding, but I can see a better use for this system. Why not have alarms sound to alert poor, hard-working reporters when an editor is about to assign a weather story. “Editor 3 is presently getting worked up about these four inches of snow. Better fake a case of shingles,” it might say. Or “Editor 5 is pretty irate about stepping in a puddle on his way to the office. Chance of a rain story estimated at 93 percent. Find something to do or throw yourself down a flight of stairs now.”

Now that I think of it, I should design and sell this technology to other reporters. Just forget I said anything.