'J' started off sounding like a normal guy. In his first e-mail response to my personal ad (title: Bad Jokes, Good Debate and Tom Waits), he was funny, smart and charming. At least in the first paragraph. Then came this line:

"I am always a perfect gentleman but if my little special hunny bunny is being bad, I am not afraid to spank her (on the bottom)."

My thoughts were, in this order:

1.What did I say in my ad that involved spanking?

2. If it's that important, why isn't this guy on a special site, like hankyspanky.com?

3.Where else are you going to spank someone?

4.RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!

Welcome to the online-dating minefield, where it's either hidden or it's all hanging out there, wide open for everyone to see.

Unlike the standard bar or bookstore or ballgame, in cyberworld, it's mostly about the words. And sometimes, what's in those opening lines are big giant warning signs, telling the reader to run far, far, far away, perhaps to hanky-spankyland.

They don't mention their age? They're much older (but feel younger, they say!). Cell phone doesn't work on nights and weekends? No, they're not Amish - they're married! Photos so blurry, you're not sure if it's Tom Hanks or Broom-Hilda? Probably the latter.

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"im very bright, quiet most times, but when im partying and what not, im the loudest one. i like to read, i read a lot. im addicted to the internet, i think. im in a halfway house currently for copyright infringement, downloading music and such."

The e-mail ended with this P.S: "is the toe next to your big toe shorter or longer than your big toe?"

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Matt Sutin has done the online tango for about three years, mostly on Jdate.

The 32-year-old English teacher, who noted in his own ad that he's looking for "Frida Kahlo without the 'stache," says that red flags are usually embedded within others' profiles.

Generic rambling along the lines of the flannel shirt and moonlight walks are out; specifics he can work with, like reading F. Scott Fitzgerald and traveling to Prague, are better.

One thing he always checks out is the picture - it has to be full-body "to make sure they're not hiding anything."

There are certain things that take him aback, like when someone writes ALL IN CAPS. Then there are more subtle things.

"When someone lists their salary, it's definitely a turn-off," he said. "This year, a lot more women are listing their salaries."

Sutin prefers to talk on the phone as soon as possible. That's when the wackiness really comes out, he said.

"Basically, what I'm looking for is 'Does this person sound like she's crazy?' " he said.

And sometimes the answer is, yes, yes, indeed, yes.

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"Quite simply, I'm the best in the group," wrote a man who called himself "AlphaMale." "I dominate. Other men are intimidated by me, and women want to be with me. "(Not this one!)

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While things like salary might bother one person and not another, there are some red flags that fly for everyone.

Most people have a basic checklist of datable demands: recent, clear picture; honesty about age, height and weight. But the top demand is the most basic of all: Not Married.

All the women interviewed for this article said half the men who wrote were already attached, either to wives or to serious girlfriends. The men said only a handful of the women who contacted them were already a twosome.

Most were open about their non-single status, but sometimes - surprise!

I showed up to a date to find a hand wearing a wedding ring.

"What, is that a deal-breaker?" he asked. Uh - yeah.

There are some other e-mail issues that kill sparks before they start.

Not knowing the difference between "it's" and "its," for example, or "to" and "too."

But the opposite holds true as well - good writing gets the twinkle going. "I like it when they use creative words," said Sutin. "Like someone said they 'canoodled around the garden' - that got my attention."

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"I don't mean to sound too forward but I have to ask... . Are you open-minded, into any type of alternative lifestyles? Trying to match similarities to see if we would be compatible."

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Erika Gibson has been online long enough to weed out the wackjobs from the wonderful with a quick screen glance.

"I've been on the Internet for 13 years, back when HTML was just plain text," she joked.

For the 31-year-old IT specialist, a picture sends across a thousand no, no and more nos.

"One guy used a picture of Ray Lewis," the football player, she said. When she called him on it, he denied. "He said 'No, no, that's me.' " He sent her a note later telling her his real pictures were now on his profile, but she had moved on.

"He wasn't a bad-looking guy, so there was no reason to perpetuate like he was someone else," she said. "But you get a sixth sense that something is not right about this."

There are other easy outs for Gibson: overly sexual content or suggestions, eight-page generic missives, pictures of them smoking and drinking - which just isn't her scene.

So why does she keep coming back to the yahoos, both .com and human?

Because once in a while, it works.

A few years ago, Gibson was in Texas. She met a guy from Philly. Now, she's here, in part because of him. And even though it didn't work out, she's still hopeful.

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"Come hither and yon most resplendent daughter of Zeus so we might cavort (with body, mind and spirit) NOT in that heavenly vault of royal blue, but rather here upon the terrestrial (i.e. terra firma) tarmac! Prithee tell this faux Dionysus that which harkens deep within the psyche and quickens the pulse! I could attempt to summon forth that animal, diurnal and seminal splendor that springs from latent mental and physical powers!"

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And yet, somewhere between the married folk, the fake football players, and the gold diggers, sometimes a few words can lead to forever. I have written personal ads for several friends and family members, resulting in my friend's wedding, my sister's engagement, and another friend's long-term relationship.

Good karma has got to come back sometime, no?

"I'm looking for a real relationship, and to eventually get married," said Andrew Ippolito, 31, a biosystems specialist.

"Someone who is my teammate, my partner, soul mate, best friend. Whether or not that person actually exists, I'm starting to question."

Ippolito has been cyberdating since 1998 and has learned some basics - don't call too much, or too early, or get too excited too fast.

"It's that stupid game, but you have to do it," he said. "Unless you both feel exactly the same, and then there are no rules."

He admits to being picky. He has to like her photo. She can't be afraid of expressing her opinions. And she has to have a good relationship with her family.

Also, lying isn't such a big attraction, either.

"There was one girl who I met for a date, and it turned out she had lied about her name, and her age, and her job," he said.

At the same time, it's hard to know how much to reveal, and when. For example, Ippolito is deaf in one ear - does that matter? He doesn't mention it in his profile, but does within a couple of e-mails.

For the most part, it's just a matter of putting yourself out there.

Again, and again, and again.

Just watch for those little red warning signs, and be gentle. Particularly on the guys, Ippolito said.

"I'll write a nice e-mail and 95 percent of the time I get nothing," he said. "Guys have the smaller end of the stick and it's a microcosm of real life - we're lurking and prowling and trying and girls are like 'Oh! I have 200 e-mails!"'