Yeah. I was there. And let me tell you, the sense of danger was like something palpable you could reach out and touch. Only you wouldn't reach out and touch it because it was dangerous. And we knew it. The fear was heavy, like a Kevlar vest. When that first guy turned himself in at the jail, we knew that any one of us could have been wiped out by the surrender. When that other guy accidentally climbed into a police car, we knew it was a tragedy averted. He could have landed on one of us. That kind of thing could cause serious bruising and...

I saw a lot, is all I'm saying. And I don't like to talk about it.

This story is for the birds. It was a real feather in my cap when I got the assignment, but the story soon went south. The health department guys are clearly ducking me. I couldn't worm even a little information from them. So, I decided to wing it in hopes of getting my claws in the truth, but no. I got a big goose egg instead, and I've been eating crow ever since.

I won't squawk about this any longer, but mark my words. I'll be watching this one like a hawk.

To the woman who left a loud, profanity-laced message for me on somebody else's answering machine: my name is Mark not Mia. Because I'm a boy, not a girl. And if I was a girl, my name wouldn't be Mia. It would be Virginia. Because I think that's elegant yet vaguely playful, don't you? And I'd wear turn-of-the-century gowns, let my hair grow long and be all mysterious at the ball. I'd wear just a hint of makeup, never speak above a whisper and I'd get myself one of those really sexy push-up...

But I've said too much already.

The jail administrator is flush with pride after wiping away what could have turned into a real crappy situation. When a budget log jam causes a financial clog like that, it can leave a nasty stain on the reputation of a department. Fortunately, an issue that could have left inmates steaming...

Yeah, I'll stop right there. Clearly I've been subjected to too many Enzyte commercials with their sophomoric euphemisms. Come to think of it, I sort of look like Smiling Bob, don't I?

Shut up.