If Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and the W.R. Grace Company merged, the new company would be Hale-Mary-Fuller-Grace.

If PolyGram Records, Warner Bros. and Cracker Barrel merged, they would become Poly-Warner-Cracker.

If Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants merged, the new company would be Poupon Pants.

Did you know that NBC's three chimes and MGM's lion roar have been trademarked?

Are you aware that 23 percent of American couples sleep in separate beds?

And how about the one thing Sandra Bullock, Bill Cosby and Bruce Willis have in common? If you said they're all ex-bartenders, maybe you can pat yourself on the back - or maybe you already have a copy of the hot-off-the-presses, wonderfully wacky "Uncle John's Triumphant 20th Anniversary Bathroom Reader," and you just read that bit of trivia.

There aren't a lot of reference books - I guess that's the word, reference - that tell you that "Kia," the automobile name, translates as "rising from Asia"; that in 1933 Syria banned Yo-Yos, blaming their up-and-down action for causing a drought - and the next day it rained; or that the last U.S. president with a mustache was William Howard Taft (1910-1913). Or that a typical American kid spends 68 days - 18 percent of the year - in front of a TV or computer screen.

No more dull days on the throne, that's for sure, not with "Uncle John" handy. Need to brush up on your Russian slang? "Rubit kapustu" means "Make some quick cash." But literally: "Chop the cabbage."

Looking for some confusing quotes? "Uncle John" has them for you: "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep," said W.C. Fields. "Indecision may or may not be my problem," said Jimmy Buffett. "My brothers and sisters all hated me because I was an only child," said "Weird" Al Yankovic.

Believe me, it'll take a lot of flushes to get through the 600 pages of infobits that include obscure history, origins of everyday things, strange lawsuits, bizarre quotes, trivia, oxymorons, automotive acronyms for days when you hate your car (DODGE: Dead on Day Guarantee Expires), little-known factoids (At any given time there are 100 million phone conversations going on in the U.S.) and exploits of dumb crooks. Speaking of dumb crooks ...

A guy named Kurt Husfeldt, 46, and two others were arrested in Lindenhurst, N.Y., in January of this year in possession of 14 stolen electronic devices that they apparently assumed were cell phones, according to "News of the Weird." Unfortunately for the trio, the "cell phones" turned out to be GPS (Global Positioning System) devices from a municipal facility and police followed their signals to Husfeldt's home.

And in a section titled "Political Squirming," about politicians trying to weasel their way out of embarrassing predicaments, we find New Orleans City Councilwoman Cynthia Hedge-Morrell and Mayor Ray Nagin on a very short list. Nagin made it for his "Chocolate City" remarks and Hedge-Morrell for her infamous outburst ("Do you know who I am? What the hell are you pulling me over for?") after being stopped by a state trooper for driving almost 100 mph because she was late for a meeting.

There's a section on newspaper corrections that only magnify the initial error. Consider this from the Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader: "It has come to the editor's attention that the Herald-Leader neglected to cover the civil rights movement. We regret the omission."

Like riddles? Try this: My visionary name is both present and past. When I sink, I also rise. But I'll never move until you sit down.

Give up? A see-saw.

Most apropos for the john is a selection of those words of wisdom that impart the true meaning of life: real bathroom graffiti. Such as: "If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives."

Funny animal quotes? Said Peter Sasso, "Sometimes I'm afraid of bears. Sometimes I'm not. I must be bipolar." Said Jeff Foxworthy: "Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door."

Want an absorbing fact? The average family spends $188 each year on paper towels.

Bob Hope's autobiography is titled "Confessions of a Hooker." It was about golf. Before becoming an actor, Humphrey Bogart was a professional chess player. Every Saturday in America, enough beer is poured to fill the Orange Bowl. Dating game: 40 percent of American women have asked a man out on a date; 93 percent of men have accepted.

Finally, in keeping with honoring the toilet, there's this quote:

Tiger Woods was once asked, "Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and find yourself amazed at what you've accomplished?"

He replied: "Usually when I wake up in the middle of the night, it's to do something else."

No doubt to read "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader."