Is anyone surprised that the thief made it only this far? Have you seen the traffic in Auburn lately? It's a dashboard-pounding lesson in frustration. I'm sure this master criminal found himself trapped on Court Street for hours. When he laid on his horn to express his rage, it announced "ah-oooga" and the jig was up.

So Mary Ann is a pothead. Now we know why that sexy farm girl was on a three-hour boat ride to begin with: running herb to the once proud people of La Isla Daisy Duka. Here are some ways she might have passed time on that wretched island.

• Excite Gilligan while he has bowling ball stuck on hand

• Shake butt at volcano, anger gods

• Long conversation with giant cave spider

• Run around in sheet pretending to be ghost

• Swipe jet pack and huff the fumes

• Gnaw mole from Ginger's face

• Start every conversation with "Dude, I totally know how we could get off this island."

• Program lagoon robot to utter dirty words

• Sit in hammock, say the word "lagoon" over and over until it makes no sense

• Strip poker with the Howells

• Smoke fruit off Lovey's hat

Alas, my string of fall-free winters came to an end at 4:47 p.m. Thursday March 13 when I took a digger in back of the Sun Journal. I give it a four on the Scale of Ugly Spills. I know you're all very disappointed, but my 15-year run of bee-sting-free summers still stands. I won't let you down.

He hired her for four hours, only needed half that time. Will the indignities ever end? Only a millionaire would peel off $4,300 for a call girl when one could be had cheap in places like downtown Lewiston. Forty dollars to make you holler, guv. And no paper trail: Down here, the street walkers accept payment in the form of returnable bottles.

Damn pretty boy with his entourage, his mousse and his makeout parties. I'd really lay into the Hollyweirdo if he hadn't agreed to play the main role in the movie adaptation of my novel "The Pink Room." You heard it here first. And so did Dempsey.

In downtown Lewiston, near Birch and Bartlett streets, stands what looks very much like a Hooter's sign. Even up close, from a half-block away, it looks like Hooter's. But it's not. It's Melanson's Auto Repair. Double dog dare you to go in there and address the first person you see as "sweet thing."