Survive your marriage: Questions not to ask

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Married? Here’s some advice on questions you should never ask your husband from the book “How to Survive Your Marriage” (Hundreds of Heads Books, www.hundredsofheads.com, $13.95), straight from people who’ve done it:

1. Does this skirt make me look fat? Of course he will answer no (unless he is a complete idiot). But, if he loves you, he does not care if you look fat in that skirt. You should love him enough not to ask such a loaded question.

2. What are you thinking? Men are not complicated. If he is thinking about something he wants to share, he will tell you.

3. Do you think that girl is pretty? Most likely, the answer is yes, she’s pretty. But if you love your husband, don’t put him on the spot just because you’re feeling insecure.

4. Do these shoes go with this dress? There is no way your husband can answer that question. Men have two pairs of shoes for casual or dress attire. How would he know?

5. Would you like to go to the ballet this Friday night? With few exceptions, the answer is NO. This also goes for the symphony, poetry readings and that upcoming women’s songwriter festival.

6. Can you run to the store and grab me some tampons? If you hate your husband enough to ask this question, it might be time to find a divorce lawyer.

7. How do you like my new haircut? He’ll likely answer, “Did you get your hair cut?” Unless you’ve had a foot of hair removed, he won’t know the difference. Besides, he loves you, not your hair, so why ask?

8. Does my makeup look OK? Let’s face it. Women dress and put on make-up for other women to notice them, not our husbands.

9. Which shade of yellow do you think will go with the wallpaper in the kitchen? They all look yellow to him. It doesn’t matter if it is dandelion yellow or a lemon-beige.

10. Can you hold my purse while I’m in the dressing room? If your husband answers yes to this question, then you have successfully removed his manhood. Congratulations, you’re no longer married to a man.

– Virginia Roberson, Franklin, Tenn., married 12 years

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