Hero squirrel of Idaho
So, some dude’s pet squirrel thwarted a burglary by lunging out of the dark and scaring the thief into an embarrassing retreat. This is exactly why I keep three pet degus at my place – two of them are heavy into the krav maga while the third does Zumba. He’s always been a little different, that third degu. And while everyone is talking about the hero squirrel and his eventual release to the wild, you have to take a moment to wonder what life is like for that failed burglar who sits in jail enduring the endless taunts of his fellow inmates. Imagine, sitting in your cell 23 hours a day and listening to a constant barrage of jokes, every single one of them involving nuts in one form or another. It would drive you up a tree.
One year when I was a kid, my older brother told me that if I stayed awake until the middle of the night on the solstice and walked into the backyard, I would actually be able to feel the earth tilt on its axis. I went out into the backyard. I felt nothing. When I tried getting back into the house, the door was locked. Good one, bro. Of course, this is the same brother that informed me one Christmas Eve that Santa had turned vampire. Is it any wonder I turned out the way I did?
Little old lady, who?
That’s me yodeling. Pretty melodic, right? I bring it up only because a caller reports that she’s been all over the place trying to find some good, old-fashioned Yodels snack cakes, but she can’t find the suckers anywhere. Shaw’s? Hannaford? Walmart? Nope, nope and nope. We know they still make Yodels, so the answer to this riddle is clear – some local slob is buying up all the supplies and hoarding them for himself. We’ll find you, greedy Yodel hoarder, and when we do, we’ll bring milk.
In Lewiston, a prostitution sting netted five men. Here’s a tip for you besotted souls. If you want to avoid temptation on the Lewiston streets, ride through on a dual sport motorcycle. The ladies won’t even look at you if you’re on a dual sport motorcycle. It’s very hurtful.
Battle of the proverbs
This Lewiston-Auburn merger debate is getting real, yo. When you cut right to the bone, what you have is two groups of people arguing over whether bigger is better or if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But has anybody paused to consider that a bird in the hand is better than pursuing a singular economic vision in response to a rough demographic outlook? Or that it is better to have loved and lost than to have addressed economic challenges through a projected workforce decline? Or that when life hands you lemons, one must argue that paying off existing debt in each city and leveling property valuations could cause further strains? I hope I’ve given you all something to think about here today.
No more teachers, no more books
When the kids are celebrating their last day of school before summer vacation, I get a little wistful. And by wistful, I mean I ride around fuming bitterly at those little weasels, who have a glorious summertime of fun to look forward to while the rest of us are busting our humps 40 hours a week looking for Yodels and whatnot. I recall those last days of school so vividly, I swear that when I think about them, I get a whiff of paste, pencil shavings and that industrial cleaner we used to scrub our desks. I also get a wild urge to scribble I HEART BECKY on a random book before heading down to the crick to catch frogs.