Talk of the town: Does this look infected to you?

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Deliver me

So, somewhere in Androscoggin County Wednesday afternoon, a man was reported to have emerged from the woods, carrying a banjo and reportedly howling at various things. There’s no crime in that. Unless, of course, you left Ned Beatty back in the woods somewhere, in which case I foresee all sorts of trouble.

My shame is great

Making a “Deliverance” joke every time a banjo is mentioned is low-hanging fruit and I’ll take it every time.

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Paging Private MacGyver

So last week, firefighters in Lewiston rescued a dog who had its paw stuck in a bathtub drain before they were called out to free a cat who had somehow become lodged in a fence. How awesome are firefighters, anyway? You can throw the most bizarre situation in the world at them and they’ll figure it out, and they generally do it without any fanfare. I’d applaud them all if I didn’t currently have my arm stuck in the pull-out sofa again. Don’t help me! Otherwise I won’t learn.

Like coming home

So last week, I got the opportunity to knock on a downtown woman’s door to ask for comment about a recent news story. Said lady swore loudly, slammed the door in my face and continued to rant at full volume as I descended the stairs on my way out. Lord, that felt good. Brought me back to the ’90s when I had a better knack for provoking that kind of reaction. At least I can still get it at home from time to time.

You kids and your millennium

Wow, have I become one of those annoying old guys who’s always going on about how awesome things were back in the day? I suppose next I’ll start grunting every time I get out of a chair and hollering for people to get off my lawn.

It’s bigger than all of us

How come people keep asking me why Walmart has barricades up in front of one of its entrances? I mean, duh. They’re turning it into a FEMA camp. I thought it was obvious after they put the entrance doors on the left and the exits on the right. That’s straight mind control, dawg.

Vault 7

A so-called “leak” reveals that the CIA has the capability of spying on pretty much everything everywhere we do it. They spy through our computers, through our phones, cars, televisions, laptops and probably through our toaster ovens. That electric can opener you’ve had since college? Bugged. Clock radio? Listening to things you utter in your sleep. That weird thing you keep in your nightstand drawer? Sends vital information about your political leanings back to the mothership. The point is that nothing we do is private anymore and this leak is a way of encouraging you to accept it and move on. The good news, I guess, is that there is no longer any point in clearing your browsing history every single night.

PS

Get off my lawn.

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