Click it or ticket
Ah, yes. It’s that time of year when police are zealously pulling you over to provide a lecture on how you’re not handling your own personal safety right. And probably a bonus fine to go with the lecture. No matter how often they do this kind of thing, I still can’t fully comprehend that there are seat belt laws in effect for full grown adults. And giving the effort a cutesy moniker like “Click it or Ticket” only emphasizes the absurd, bully nature of the Nanny State. I’ve got a better rhyme for you, but you probably don’t want to hear it.
A woman called police last week to report that after two weeks, she had noticed that her husband wasn’t around. Apparently that lump on the other side of the bed was dirty laundry or something.
I’m proud to announce that I have three of these things now, although one of them is currently in the shop. Bad bearings. You hate to see that happen. And while I’m spinning away my stress and gloom, it’s been pointed out to me that back in the day, all you needed to get your spin on was a sharpened pencil and one of those rulers with a hole in the middle. Now THAT was a fun setup, sure to help pass long, dull hours in the classroom. I’d still be spinning my ruler, too, if it wasn’t for the unfortunate incident of 1989. Poor Nelson, I think of him often. The eye patch makes him look taller, though.
A jolly romp
Why do people keep calling, writing and showing up at my home to ask me when I plan to try on a romper and take it for a spin? Until you weirdos showed up, I had no idea what a romper even is, and I was perfectly happy living my life that way. And just so you’ll know, if I DO decide to join the romper gang, I’m going to team it with a man bun, a sweater vest and a pair of crocs. Don’t hate, yo. I gotta be me.
Crack is whack
My colleague Chris Williams had the honor last week of writing a story that featured crack cocaine hiding in, not one, but a pair of buttocks. That’s two buttocks if you’re scoring at home, or possibly four, depending on how you count them. That kind of story lead is every reporter’s dream, so I imagine Chris will be retiring now. I mean, where do you go from here?
Not without my goat!
There’s drama in Auburn where a family has been told their goats have to go after they were given permission by the city to keep them. I have a personal policy wherein I always cheer for the guy with the goat in these matters, so I will be growing a supportive goatee post haste. And anyway, this whole plot has already been covered in the Lifetime Channel movie “Not Without My Goat!” starring . . . I don’t know, Kid Rock. And of course Gerald McRaney.