Talk of the town: Let's shake on it

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Intelligent design

So, how do you like our new website? Pretty, ain’t it? It’s just a little something I slapped together in my spare time. I’m a man of many layers, you know. Web design comes easy to me. I’m particularly proud of those . . . link things that go across the top of that drop-down doohickey. I put a lot of work into that.

Emergence

So, in a little over a week, we’ll all go out and vote on the proposed merger. Pretty exciting, innit? Say what you want about the idea to slam the two cities together like a pair of sumo wrestlers, you have to admit the months-long debate energized – nay galvanized! – the community. Maybe we should take pains to get controversy onto the ballot every year just to keep things exciting. Should we dye the Androscoggin River pink to show the world our sensitive side? Put in on the ballot. Should we build a full-size replica of the Starship Enterprise on top of the Bates Mill? Let’s debate! What about submarine rides in the Lewiston canals? Let’s have a series of 300 public forums and talk it over!

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Battle of the bridge

I thoroughly enjoyed covering pre-game festivities before EL and the Blue Devils got down to football business last week, but you know what would make that yearly bout even more thrilling? Actually play it on the bridge. Longley or Vet’s Bridge, it doesn’t matter. Seriously, tell me you wouldn’t go out to watch a game where the receiver could potentially get attacked by eels if he dove too hard and too far for a ball?

‘Clerks say some voters are confused’

That recent headline’s the understatement of the season. And can you blame those voters for the befuddlement? Every time I step into a polling booth and read the questions, I feel like I’m being subjected to some weird sobriety test. “Would you not prefer to not support non-use of Lewiston canal submarines? Touch your nose and recite the alphabet backwards to not not support this measure. Thank you for voting. Here’s a stupid button.”

Head games

I need to hear from some people who have shaved their heads and who go bald by choice. I want to write about the hairless lifestyle for our illustrious B Section, but I’m also personally sick of hair. What purpose does it serve, anyway? It just sits there on my head all poky and stupid. Should I shave it? Would you recommend a hedge trimmer or a belt sander? Talk to me, chrome dome.

All shook up

Met a nice older lady at St. Mary’s hospital the other day who first yelled at me for sitting on an unmade bed and then shook my hand with the strength and vigor of an active Marine. I HEART you, nice older lady of St. Mary’s. And I promise I’ll write that sordid story about my weird brother as soon as my writing hand heals. Seriously, what kind of strength training are you doing, anyway?

Wracked with guilt

OK, I have to confess. I didn’t really design the new Sun Journal website. I’m sorry I lied about my role. I DID help the design team a great deal, though. Mainly by yelling “When the !@$#@! are we getting a new $#@!! website?” across the newsroom every time I had an issue with the old one. You’re welcome. I’ll be expecting a little something extra in my paycheck this week.

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