Talk of the town: Look what you made me do

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Bare attack!

On Thursday, Aug. 31 at 6 p.m. sharp, a young lady mooned me while I was riding by on Walnut Street, near the corner at Bartlett. Actually, I’m pretty sure she was mooning somebody else, but I want to believe she was thinking of me while she did it.

Vaporized

It’s been a whole week and nobody’s asked me even once about my new vape mod. It’s a Kangertech Nebox, now that you’ve asked, an all-in-one 60-watt beast with a massive tank capable of holding an astounding 10 milliliters of vape juice. Aren’t you a little bit ashamed that a minute ago, you didn’t know any of this? Nobody’s commented on my hair, either, but I’m gonna let that one slide.

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You oughta know

Is it me? Or does Lewiston’s new library director look quite a lot like Alanis Morissette? I completely turned head over feet when I made this discovery. Isn’t it ironic? OK, I’m going to stop this stupid game now before someone comes down with an ear worm.

Cubed

Fidget spinners are yesterday’s news. These days, it’s all about the fidget cube. I only know this because somebody handed me one to keep me from nervously chewing on various household items last Saturday during the Mayweather-McGregor fight. The fidget cube goes way beyond the archaic act of spinning a stupid toy over and over. The cube features various switches, buttons, dials and wheels to occupy the fingers during tense or boring moments such as these. None of these switches, buttons, dials and wheels do anything at all, but if you use this thing out in public, strangers will believe you are in charge of some exotic, advanced technology and they will leave you alone. Frankly, I don’t know how I’ve survived this long without one.

Man in hazmat suit flees after failing to break into Camden armored truck

Yeah, that’s what everybody wants to see: a guy in a hazardous material suit running away. If I had witnessed that with my own eyes, I would have been convinced the super plague was upon us and it would have been straight to the bunker. Which I totally don’t have, so don’t bother looking for it.

Dog meat

On Wednesday, an otherwise perfectly nice wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly, she’s-as-sweet-as-can-be monster dog became enraged by my vape device and lunged, running out of leash just before she reached my jugular. Photographer Russ Dillingham tells me I didn’t flinch a bit during the ordeal. This surprises me because inside, I was doing a sweet judo move right up a tree to escape the wrath of Cujo.

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