Talk of the town: Nursing your eclipse hangover


Elite Eclipse Viewer 6000

So, I’m afraid I cannot give a positive review to the cardboard box, pinhole brand of eclipse viewer. I tried one of these to view the Mega Awesome Once in a Lifetime Eclipse of 2017 and the results were disappointing. In fairness, I probably should have taken the doughnuts out of the box first.

Credit where due

I stole the above doughnut line from local jeweler stud Dan Cunliffe. I regret nothing: Cunliffe managed to get magnificent photos of the eclipse by using special lenses and a fancy camera. Dirty cheater. Did the ancient Druids use special lenses and fancy cameras to view life-changing celestial events? They did not. They used empty Amazon Prime boxes and strips of tinfoil from the Dollar Store.

Important eclipse terminology

Corona: What you drink while watching the eclipse. Actually, you drink so many of these, you see two moons and two suns in the sky. That’s nearly double what sober people see!

Ring: What the Corona bottles leave on the hood of your girlfriend’s car. Seriously, that’s going to hurt when the lease is up.

Diamond ring: What you’re going to have to buy your girlfriend when she discovers what you did to the hood of her leased Saturn.

Walmart joins with Google on voice-activated shopping

How exciting! With the ability to shop from home, now you won’t have to change out of your pajamas to head to your local Walmart!

Mandibles of death!

Anybody else have a problem with earwigs this summer? Those suckers will crawl inside your ear and gnaw on your brain while you sleep, you know. I’m sure that’s true because someone tweeted it. To prevent this from happening, I made a little earwig trap, which is basically an empty cat food can filled with vegetable oil. Sadly, the only thing the trap drew was my wrath when I tripped over it at 3 in the morning and sent vegetable oil spraying across the kitchen floor. Troubling part is, I swear I heard tiny laughter from behind the floorboards.

Suspect swipes cigarettes from Lewiston Big Apple

Since the thief allegedly threatened the clerk, this is technically a robbery. Man, you’ve got to really like smoking to commit a felony for which, if you’re caught, you’ll get sent to the county jail where smoking is not allowed. Confused? Me neither.

Stop! Thief!

Every single time I write the word “thief,” it looks wrong. Doesn’t seem like the “i before e” rule should apply here, but spell-check tells me it’s so. “Theif” looks marginally better, but I’m told it’s wrong. If I had my way, we’d just change it to “theef.” Or possibly “theaf.” You know what? I’m just gonna go with “crook” and be done with this madness. Forget I ever brought it up.