Talk of the town: Your top prime cut of meat

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Thor punch to the eardrum

Tuesday’s storm brought some of the loudest thunder I’ve ever heard. I’m not saying I screeched at very first clap and sprang cat-like to the ceiling, where I clung upside down from a chandelier. But that’s totally what would have happened if I lived in a place with a chandelier.

How COULD you!

So the Red Sox were caught using an Apple watch to steal signals during a series with the Yankees. Frankly, I couldn’t be more disappointed. Really? Apple? Doesn’t anybody use Android anymore?

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I wanna be elected

A few people have commented that I should run for either Maine governor or Lewiston mayor. These people are mostly drunk or suffering massive head trauma, but it’s an intriguing thought nonetheless. I’d totally make a run for one of these esteemed positions if not for the fact that I despise politics, hate meetings, resent government, abhor paperwork, suck at math, can’t get up early, don’t like talking on the phone, refuse to tell others what to do with their lives and can’t cut ribbons in as much as I’m not allowed to carry scissors. If not for these minor issues, I’d be all over it.

It’s at the drive-in

Why does nobody understand when I tell them this? It’s at the drive-in this weekend.

‘No evidence of Brady concussion’

Are you sure? I mean, Marcia took that football pretty hard to the face. Ooh! Her nose!

‘No evidence of Brady concussion II’

Are you sure? I mean, that creep Buddy Hinton punched Peter pretty hard in the chops. Baby talk, baby talk, it’s a wonder you can walk!

Maine Apple Sunday

What? It can’t be apple season already because that would mean summer is over. Clearly this is a mistake, just as it was a mistake that Shaw’s put all those pumpkins out in front of its stores. This is obviously an error and some stock boy should be flogged for it. Be about it! Start flogging!

Meow Mix

U.S. Sen. Susan Collins is proposing a bill that would prohibit people from eating their horses, dogs and cats. My weekend is totally shot. It’s curious, though. I read the bill pretty carefully and I can’t help notice that there’s nothing in there that says our horses, cats and dogs can’t eat us. This concerns me because every morning, I wake up with two cats standing on my bed and watching me like vultures. Just this morning, I awoke to find both cats wearing bibs. Act fast, Collins. I think they’ve figured out how to preheat the oven.

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