It’s time for the perennial question: Who first decided it would be a good idea to eat something that looks like a leprechaun’s groin? I love fiddleheads – with butter, salt and vinegar, thank you – but I wouldn’t put them in my mouth if someone else hadn’t done it first. The fiddlehead is about as visually appealing as a clam or Steve Buscemi.
Oprah’s last stand
If we were real men, we’d be betting on who will be Oprah’s last guest on her final show May 25. Of course, if we were real men, we wouldn’t know when Oprah’s last show is in the first place, and we sure wouldn’t be writing about it in what amounts to little more than a gossip column in the Sunday paper. We would like to have this item stricken altogether from the record.
I give it a 7.5
A special hello to the pretty, young jogger who lost her footing and wiped out on the trail behind Tall Pines while I sat on my dirt bike waiting for you to pass. Your face was bright red when you gathered yourself up in that cloud of dust, but don’t you worry your uncoordinated head about it. Your skinned knees are nothing compared to what happened to that family of squirrels, who laughed so hard at your spill, I think they choked on their acorns.
In Auburn, a man was spotted standing on the roof of a car and trying to scale a dentist’s office. I’m telling you, in these hard times, you don’t try to stiff a man out of a lollipop if he’s owed one.
Gas, grass and . . .
And speaking of hard times, gas prices are so ridiculous right now, that other thing is no longer accepted as trade for transportation in accordance with the old saying about how nobody rides for free.
To the nice great-grandmother who wrote to praise my work and to ask if she could sign the card “with love?” Mrs. M, if you keep using superlatives like “perfect,” you can call me anything you want. And feel free to pinch my cheeks, if the urge strikes.
A bitter pill
Got a headache? Feeling jittery? Get yourself some aspirin or some calming tea, son. And try not to think of the 1,110 pounds of medication that was collected in Lewiston-Auburn alone last week, trucked to an incinerator and destroyed. Don’t trouble your throbbing head over those 10,032 tablets of controlled medication – the Oxycodone, the Vicodin, the Valium – that were brought in from 409 local households to be dispensed with. There’s nothing left for the likes of you but good old-school Bayer aspirin. You will take it and you will like it.