If you are reading this, then clearly you were not chosen to participate in yesterday’s rapture. Wipe that surprised look from your face, transgressor. Did you really expect to be taken?
You’re going to like the way you look
I found evidence of said rapture in the woods behind Tall Pines in Lewiston, near a cluttered dirt patch where the hard drinkers congregate. There, on the branches of a stately pine, two suit coats hanging neatly. Not too shabby by way of quality, either. One was a subdued gray, perfect for the man who wants to look respectable, but not show-offish, for the afterlife. The other was navy blue, just right for the rapturee looking to meet Bill O’Reilly in the great beyond.
And lest you wonder, the answer is no. I did not take the coats for my own use. Even under the circumstances, I’d consider that a form of theft and I just wouldn’t do it. Plus the coats were size 48. Way too big in the shoulders.
Ashton Kutcher-and-a-half men
Oh, Charlie isn’t going to like this at all. You know what he should do? He should totally hook up with Jackie Burkhart, right in the back of Kelso’s van. Burn!
Schwarzenegger’s love child
What, you couldn’t keep a lid on this until after the rapture?
That’s the best I can do. It turns out, every remark I have on this matter is absolutely filthy or, at best, inappropriate. It’s not easy being me.
There once was an airport in Nantucket
When I heard that we’ll be getting Wings in Auburn, I thought it meant Tim Daly, Steven Weber and Tony Shalhoub were coming to town. Not to mention Tommy Church. I don’t have a lot going on in my life.
Special orders don’t upset us
Somebody did it. Somebody actually robbed – not one, but two — Burger Kings by demanding money at the drive-through window. The way some fast food people mess up orders though, it’s a pretty good bet that the robber ended up with a double stacker with onion rings while the old lady behind him got a bag filled with cash. And a drink with no straw.
No King festival in Bridgton
Demented clowns, crazed dogs, blood suckers running wild on Main Street. Ugly teens out for revenge, women tied to beds, a hotel with a horrible secret. The evil side of cell phones, a cop gone bad, an obsessed woman with a sledgehammer. Good versus evil, cats that stink of death, corruption behind prison bars. I’ll grant you, it would have been a hell of a good time, my Lake Region friends, but take heart. You can get all of this and more any time of year by making the 40-minute drive to Lewiston.
I think we all know that if there HAD been a rapture planned for Saturday, it would have been rained out like everything else. This means I still have time to clean up my act and get good with the man upstairs. And by “the man upstairs,” I mean one of the Costellos.