Talk of the town

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Invest in Facebook

The social networking giant is going public. Sadly, 95 percent of you will not post this on your wall to prove your love of the stock market.

If the above item makes no sense to you . . .

. . . Give yourself a round of applause. You probably have a life.

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Googling your unmentionables

The search giant has updated its privacy policy. Read it carefully, chum. Google now has the right to rifle through your underwear drawer anytime it wants to. I know because I caught them while I was rifling through your underwear drawer.

Out of this world

For the first time, a NASA spacecraft has detected matter from outside our solar system – space gunk that comes from elsewhere in the galaxy, that is. Somehow, this news is resigned to the back page while SNOOKI MIGHT BE PREGNANT is screamed in giant headlines. Ironic since there’s a good chance that Snooki comes from another part of the galaxy.

If you have no idea who Snooki is

For God’s sake, don’t Google her.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!

I thought maybe you weren’t getting enough of that JCPenney commercial on television. You’re welcome.

The Chalet

They’re tearing it down and putting up a parking lot. Ah, The Chalet. It looked almost regal from the outside, but on the inside . . . Well, they’re tearing it down. And along with it will go a lot of memories for me. When I first moved here in the mid-’90s, I went there a lot. A lot! I remember this one time, I spent three nights straight there because I really wanted to  . . .

But this is none of your business. I’ll thank you to keep your nose out of my affairs.

Fines of up to one trillion dollars

So, Soviet researchers drilled through miles of ice in the antarctic and discovered a lake that has remained in darkness for millions of years. After hearing of this, the Lake Auburn people rushed up (down?) there and put up signs warning that there is absolutely no swimming in, touching or even thinking about the lake in a certain way. Also, no making out in a car next to the ancient lake between the hours of dusk and dawn, you deviant.

NOOOOOO!!!!!

Just let me know when this gets annoying.

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