Talk of the town

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Did you know?

That the Sun Journal has its own helium balloon for easy filling of balloons? Please imagine the remainder of this column in a really, really high voice.

Scalawags

Somewhere in the Twin Cities Friday, police were sent out to search for a suspect wearing a bandanna on his head and who looked like a pirate. Doesn’t everybody who wears a bandanna on his head look like a pirate? Thought that’s why they wore bandannas in the first place.

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I only said all that because I wanted to hear what “bandanna” sounds like on helium.

In 3…2…1

Gas prices are going up. Four bucks a gallon? Five? More? And as is customary when this happens, somebody will put out the word that the only way to combat this problem is to BOYCOTT GAS STATIONS! The ploy has been debunked over and over, but like a suspicious cold sore, it just spreads from one Facebook wall to the next. Boycott Facebook, is what we oughta do. But how would we spread the word?

Degus in Wilton

I have degus. Three of them, Haymitch, Finnick and Peeta. Smart animals? As soon as we got the creatures, we built a four-story house for them, complete with platforms, tunnels and an observation deck. I’ve been known to run out in the middle of the night for seeds and hay. I set up the cage so that the degus can watch television and on Mondays, Thursdays and weekends, they get to choose the programming. Now that I think of it, I turn over my paycheck to them every week, too. Smart? Perhaps a little too smart.

The voodoo that you do

Yet another thanks to the “crazy French lady” who brought me another gift back home from Haiti. This time, it’s a head made of pounded metal, a face in profile with spiky hair, real dangling earrings and even a few metal hairs upon the chin. The last time she went, she brought me a machete. This time, a human head. See a pattern here? I’m probably going to stop calling her the “crazy French lady” about now, even if she invited me to.

Singing the Blues Clues

So, an 11-year-old kid had himself a jam session at a Lewiston pub. Are you freakin kidding me? When I was that age, I was still trying to impress girls by popping wheelies on my Huffy. Ah, who am I kidding. I’m still doing that.

It’s a beautiful moon tonight

On Wednesday, some poor fellow called the cops after a group of women mooned him somewhere downtown. Kind of galling because the last I looked, this kind of service was over a hundred bucks on Craigslist.

Did you know?

That sucking on helium for three straight hours will make you hallucinate? Ask this seven foot owl, he’ll tell you.

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