Talk of the town

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Down in the mouth
Did you know that at the Rite Aid on Union Street in Auburn, if you want to buy Anbesol or any of the feel-good mouth medicines you have to get it from a clerk? Totally true. It’s similar to the way you have to produce a passport and sign your name in blood if you want to pick up Sudafed for your sniffles. All thanks to the meth addicts, of course. They use Sudafed to concoct their drug of choice and they use the other stuff when their teeth rot out and cold sores burn through their gums. Little by little, they’re making it much harder to conduct what used to be simple business. You may think it’s a small inconvenience right now, but just wait to see what’s coming. Next thing you know, bam! It’s suddenly a pain in the butt to buy hemorrhoid cream.
 
Wedgie!
In Portland, a guy was arrested for giving wedgies to random people. Oh, yes. This is a real public service. These days, what we need are people with underwear that’s even more visible.
 
Armstrong confesses to doping
This crap is everywhere these days. Performance enhancers aren’t just for baseball anymore. Now it’s biking, and you have to wonder what’s next. Chess? Rock, Paper, Scissors? Curling? Connect Four? Competitive Reiki? Spelling Bees? Hide the Saltine? Tag? Kick the Can? Westminster Dog Show? Eastminster Cat Show? Peek-a-Boo? Got your Nose? Toad Licking? Twenty Questions? Thumb-wrestling? Pictionary? It just sickens me.
 
Tropical storm Cold Sore
You see what I’m doing here? Some meteorological prima donna has decided it’s time to start naming perfectly average winter storms the way we name hurricanes. Wednesday’s round of flurries, with it’s meh four-inches of snow? That was Winter Storm Helen? I just don’t see the point. Instead, why don’t we come up with a different naming convention, titling storms after foods, superheroes or, better still, medical conditions. Be honest. Wouldn’t Winter Storm Hemorrhoid get your attention a little quicker than something called (yawn) Helen? Or Tropical Storm Banana or Blizzard Swamp Thing?
P.S.: They say Hurricane Herpes is blistering up the coast. (Stole that from a guy on Facebook. I’d like to think I would have thought of it eventually.)
 
Mind your manners
Rules of conduct have been released for those who plan to attend the Great Kennebunkport Zumba Trial of 2013. Among those rules: “There is no eating, gum chewing, etc., within the courthouse. Members of the public and the media are expected to wear appropriate business attire.”
Presumably, “groovin” to energetic pop music is also discouraged. Although I don’t really know for sure.
 
Manti mess
I had an online girlfriend once. The tragedy of it wasn’t that she didn’t really exist. It was that she DID exist and she was craaaaaazy. Anyway, it’s a sad story. Those poor football players have enough trouble getting girlfriends without scandal like this.
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