Talk of the town



Had an encounter with a squirming legion of them this week. Cute little buggers. As soon as I get out of therapy, I’ll get around to naming them. Poor maggots. They’re simply misunderstood. I think we should produce an in-depth feature about the creatures for our Sunday B Section. You know, the week that I’m on vacation.

Unscheduled canal draining?

Sons of . . . Lewiston police actually went ahead and drained the canal without informing me. How COULD they! They know how much I enjoy the draining of the canals. I’ll bet they did it all secret like that so they could keep the best stuff for themselves. You know, the mangled shopping carts, busted TVs, bicycle frames, rusted bird cages, old boots (always singular, never in pairs), metal folding chairs, floor lamps with the bulbs still in ’em, a harmonica with a human tooth stuck in one blow hole, a Serta mattress with an arrow through it, 733 bald car tires, a battered wooden desk with “Rudy sux” carved into it, a wind-up monkey-with-symbols toy, a headless store mannequin, a dented “Walking Dead” lunch box, a perfectly good ironing board, a blackened four-slice toaster with a fork sticking out of it, a green wacky, waving, inflatable, arm-flailing tube man, a bowling trophy (way to go Rodney!), two copies of “The Pink Room” and a foam SpongeBob SquarePants doll some kid named Clark won for his girlfriend, Molly, at Smokey’s Greater Shows before discovering that Molly had been spotted at the Liberty Fest with another boy. It’s all very tragic and kind of funny.

Walking Dead

I made the grand mistake of stumbling into an episode of this show while I was surfing for cartoons. By the end of the day, I was six episodes in and now I’m scrounging for more. I hate when that happens. One thing confuses me, though. What is about the zombies that makes it so easy to separate their heads from their bodies? When a living survivor so much as flicks a butter knife at them, the zombie heads go flying. Who knew it was that easy? Doesn’t matter, though. I’m not going to allow myself to be sucked into some mindless television program.

Spoiler alert!

Did you see what happened between Carol and Lizzie after the unfortunate incident with Mika? I did NOT see that coming. I don’t want to spoil it for anybody, but think “Of Mice and Men.” The final scene. Where George shoots Lennie in the back of the head. I fear I’ve said too much.

Hot enough for ya?

Best thing about the maggots? It gave me a cold chill, which was quite refreshing in the blazing heat. Same could be said about that scene between Glenn and Maggie in the train-tunnel-o-zombies. Oops! I just wept a little.

The worst part of hot weather

. . . is putting on pants. Pants should totally be optional between June and September

She wants me

I’m pretty sure this is a real email: “Hello! What do you think about Online Dating? Honestly, I did not take it very seriously, but after I saw you on the internet, my beliefs have changed. Tell me a little about yourself! It is very interesting! Sincerely yours Olga!”