Talk of the town

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Oh, Canada!

The gold medal bout is among the best hockey games I’ve ever seen. And while many of us in the U.S. were crushed by the sudden-death defeat, it’s hard to stay mad at the country that brought us Pam Anderson, Phil Hartman, Monty Hall, Raymond Burr, Leslie Nielsen, Doug Henning, Bob and Doug McKenzie and DeGrassi. We’re still a little miffed about Celine Dion, though. Give us time.

You got nothing on me, Coppa

Anyone else have troubling maintaining composure while picking up full-strength Sudafed at the pharmacy? There’s a tendency to either talk too much: “I use it for sinuses, that’s what I use it for. Head cold, that kind of thing. Get all stuffed up in there. It’s like someone left an old boot in your sinus cavity. Know what I’m saying? Anyway, it’s not for me. Why are you looking at me like that?” Or you can stand there hiding behind your hoody answering questions with twitches and tremors instead of words. It’s terrible. All that, but you can still get actual meth by just knocking on some guy’s door. I’m told.

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Library police

Getting tough on weasels with overdue books in Auburn. A collection agency, big whoop. Where I come from, kids who failed to bring their books back to the library were visited in the night by 8-foot-tall cannibals who would steal and eat their organs. At least, that’s what my mother told me. Wait, do you think she was lying about that?

Area 5

Lewiston city councilors decided against demolishing Bates Mill No. 5. They haven’t yet found another site at which to conduct alien autopsies.

A three-hour tour

So, Warner Bros. has plans to remake Gilligan’s Island. This will no doubt re-energize the classic debate: Ginger or Mary Ann? Unfortunately, I am excluded from weighing in on the matter since I got married … to a five-foot-three brunette who will wear her hair in pigtails if I ask real nice.

Sen. Bunning stands down

Which is no doubt a good thing for the American people. But aren’t we all a little disappointed that he wasn’t forced to filibuster? It’s not every day you get to watch a Kentucky Republican wet his pants on C-SPAN.

Grab ‘n Go

The Big Apple stores get robbed so frequently these days, they should consider a give-away program for repeat thieves. Rob the store, get a hole punched in your card. Accumulate five holes, win a coffee and qualify for a raffle. Keep it up long enough, you could score yourself a new 10-speed.

 And speaking of Big Apple robberies

Police in Lewiston hoofed for a good two miles or so as a tracking dog led them on a long search for the suspect. No suspect was found. It makes you wonder if the pooch really did pick up a scent or if it just cracks him up to make cops run.

 More parking garages in Lewiston

Because there just aren’t enough places for drunk people to make out.

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