Talk of the town


Meeting all your life-threatening needs

A plan is afloat to put the Auburn cops and firefighters all together in one building. This would be like a public safety version of the TV show “Big Brother.” In spite of what you may think, police and firefighters are not very much alike. Police like to work on secret handshakes, bump chests and hold push-up competitions. They tell lousy jokes and smack talk all day long. Firefighters on the other hand generally hang out and wait for fires to put out. Throw these two groups together and it will be madness; madness, I say!

Say it, don’t spray it

In Lewiston, Yvonne’s Power Wash was tagged with graffiti. Let me guess: “Wash me.”

Nyuck, nyuck

Also in Lewiston, six kids spray painted an apartment house hallway last week and then fled with a scooter. Sounds like an incident that just cries for the Benny Hill theme playing in the background, doesn’t it?


Saw a duck the other day wandering around in downtown Lewiston. I was so surprised to see the critter, I yelled out “duck!” A hundred people in Kennedy Park hit the deck. It was awesome.

Mike Heath vs. topless college girls

Gee, who to cheer for…

How naked can you be?

That seems to be the question. Nobody really knows the law in Maine. In Lewiston, we have a helpful scale to determine what level of nudity a person should be. It’s based on blood-alcohol level. For instance, at .08, a person is permitted to take off his or her shirt and fight with others on Walnut Street. At .15, the pants can come off but the socks must stay pulled up to the knees. At .25 or higher, the best thing to do is wander naked (except for the socks) over to Mike Heath’s office to ask for clarification.

More naked truth

The law states that nakedness becomes a problem when the exposure causes affront or alarm. Which is kind of funny because when you get right down to it, there are those who cause affront and alarm every day without taking off a single stitch. I think I might be one of them.

A fool and his money

In Lewiston on Friday, a man lost his grip on a fist full of hundred dollar bills and they were snatched away by the wind. A cop came by and tried to help the fellow round up his loot, but some of it could not be found. It’s a perfect analogy for the current economic climate: blowhards will take all your money and Big Brother can’t help you get it back, no matter how hard he tries.

In Maine, porn gets you fired

I didn’t come up with the statement, it was a headline on a story about how state workers caught looking at pornography on their office computers can get canned. Shocking. And here we thought one of the perks of working for the state was the liberal all-the-porn-you-can-browse policy. I have no opinion on this matter, I just wanted to ask: Is it me? Or has it just been a filthy week from start to finish?

Things I never thought I’d say

If you are really into bowling, please drop me a line at [email protected]