Talk of the town

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For the birds

Word in the bushes is that the people who run things at Thorncrag bird sanctuary in Lewiston are seriously pondering a move to ban dogs from their trails. Dogs! This is only one step away from banning birds from the sanctuary, which sounds funny today, just might be under way tomorrow.

Dog walkers are among the most abundant users of the Thorncrag land, I’m sure of it. The most frequent lines you hear while walking there are “May I pet your dog?” “That sure is a fine looking dog,” and “Stay away from my dog, weirdo.” Ban dogs from Thorncrag and all you have left are joggers and teenagers looking for a place to make out.

First they banned mountain bikes, because apparently mountain bikes chase squirrels and poop all over the place. Then they paved the parking lot and put up a gate that looks like it belongs in Berlin. Can a giant dome be far behind? Get a grip, Thorncrag people. It’s a forest, not an art gallery.

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‘Law & Order’ cancelled

Reacting quickly, I bought the rights to the “ching ching!” sound you heard after every dramatic moment. Now I can lawfully say “ching ching!” after all of MY dramatic moments.

Officer of the Year

Goes to the Lewiston cop who pulled up in front of Shaw’s and approached a car that had been parked in the fire lane for 15 minutes. The officer pointed out to the 20-something girl in the driver’s seat that she was not supposed to be parked there. The young lady pulled the cellphone away from her ear just long enough to give the officer a look that said: “Oh, my gosh! I had no idea I was not supposed to park here, in spite of the words FIRE LANE painted in three-foot letters and all those signs on the side of the store. I thought it was completely acceptable for a perfectly healthy person to park in front of the store entrance so that other shoppers, some four times my age, have to walk around my car! Golly! Don’t I feel lazy, self-centered and inconsiderate!”

The officer let the lass off with a warning. Too bad. I would have declared him Officer of the Decade had he written her up.

Conning the Ivy League

What can you say about the 23-year-old who duped the Harvard elite into accepting him into their ranks? I hear the toughest part was faking all that snobbery.

CMP upgrading

Awesome! More power lines to not ride along.

I’m a fan of more power lines because you know what they attract, right? That’s right: UFOs.

And speaking of UFOs

A woman called the newsroom recently and advised we should be watching the sky for contrails. Not your standard contrails left by a traditional jet, mind you. Super extraordinary contrails that can only mean the presence of extraterrestrial craft. So I spent the afternoon gazing up at the sky and all I got was a stiff neck. Although, some sky artist had written “SUCKER!” up there. I wonder what that meant?

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