Elf on a shelf
Oh, dear God. I had no idea that this freakishly gaunt and spooky being would be back this season, but there he is. Everywhere you turn is a photo of His Elfiness in a compromising position. Here he is being barbecued on a spit. Here he’s passed out face-first in a candy dish and over there he’s doing something inappropriate with a Christmas reindeer. The crazy thing about all this is that I know people who resemble and act like this holiday imp. You know who you are, too. Stay away from my ornaments, you freak.
At the Christmas parade in Lewiston Wednesday night, yet another nice woman told me that I look like Anderson Cooper, of CNN fame. “You look just like him,” she said, “even though his hair is white.” I get this all the time. The truth is, I AM Anderson Cooper and I would like my salary adjusted accordingly. You hear that, Mr. Rhoades? Seven figures! I’ll also need a trailer in which to put on my makeup. I’ll have my people call your people.
I don’t have any people. Have your people call themselves.
You know what? I think my hearing is going. I SAY! I THINK MY HEARING IS GOING! Got a message from a lovely lady the other day, but I only understood a few lines of it. To me, it sounded like: “My name is (something that rhymes with Jan). It wouldn’t be the holidays without my friends and my homemade (meats? sneakers? minotaur?) and my Christmas (punch? lunch? encyclopedia?). I’m really hoping Rhymes-with-Jan will call back and state her message a little bit louder. It’s not you Jan, (maybe) it’s me.
An editor – who happens to be much, much older than I (editor’s note: but quite dashing) – was able to discern the message with no trouble whatsoever. The missing words were Needhams and fudge. And with that, I’m off to buy a hearing aid. Not one of the tiny, modern ones, but one of those old cones that you merely shove into your ear and aim at the person speaking. Eh??
The sound of silence
Speaking of missing sounds, we are officially into the holiday season but on a recent visit to Walmart no Christmas music was playing. After all my complaining, eye-rolling and spontaneous dancing in the linen aisle, I find that I’m rather bummed out about this. Life is funny. You know what else is funny? These Maxine bed sheets I just picked up at a bargain basement price! Oh, Maxine! You love wine and hate men. You so craaaaazy!
For that outburst. I’ve had too much nog, if you get my drift.