Keg stolen from Pedro O’Hara’s
We were all quite impressed with the brute strength required to pick up a keg and run with it down snowy Lewiston streets. Sadly, it turns out the keg was empty. How much do you want to bet the culprit believed the keg was full and that he was only able to carry it because it was LITE beer? Eh? Eh??
HA HA HA!
I’ve got to find a way to get a laugh track in here. The sound of all these crickets is maddening.
In some parts of the country (you know who you are) it is rumored that impish sorts have taken to drawing lewd images in the snow on the windshields of parked cars. Mainly, the culprits have been carving out images of a certain body part, although I maintain they might be just drawing the state of Florida. Either way, word is the phenomenon has even earned a hilarious name, which my editors will not allow me to reprint here. The primary suspect in the alleged case is known in Spanish-speaking communities as El Peno Bandito. That enough clues for ya?
Emergency crews attempt to rescue Olympic figure skater who fell through ice
Turns out this isn’t true. Damn Onion.
If I won that mega jackpot, I’d still work 40 hours a week, drive the same car and live in the same place. And if you believe that, you definitely need to stay away from The Onion.
Those fools paid $19 billion dollars for a single app. Stupid! I got the same app for 99 cents on the Android Market. Ergo, I are smarter than Facebook.
It happens in less than two weeks. I’m so happy, I could pee. Outdoors. While it’s still dark.
Snowblowers behaving badly
I’ve asked 50 people for the rules of nighttime snowblowing and I’ve heard 50 different answers. How late is too late to run your blower? Does it depend on the strength and timing of the storm? Am I a horrible neighbor if I get to it at 11 p.m. if a storm has just dumped a foot of snow upon thine driveway? Nobody knows. I guess I’ll get my answer when somebody stomps over in pajamas and clubs me with a shovel. If you are privy to these secret laws of wintertime, please write me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Also write me if you are a frequent user of this online currency. There’s a shiny e-nickle in it for you.