In Lewiston on an early Friday night, the dispatcher sent police to a disturbance wherein two people inside an apartment were fighting over who was the more intoxicated. If that had been available on Pay-per-view, I would’ve paid anything to see it. Punches thrown: 48. Punches landed: 0. The first one to fall asleep atop an overturned chair wins by a technical pass-out.
In Lewiston on Wednesday, police were sent to a downtown location where somebody was reporting that his grandmother was inside his apartment and refusing to leave. Don’t you hate that? These rotten old women come over and bake cookies, pinch your cheeks and give you birthday cards with money in them and they think they own the place. My grandmother once made me a glass of lemonade from lemons she had squeezed herself. I had to get a restraining order.
Sorry to scare you like that. Change your underpants and get back here. At last count, there were three, count them, THREE shark sightings at various Maine locations. This completely supports what I’ve been saying every summer since 1975: If you go into the ocean, anywhere, at any time, you will be eaten. Don’t come running to me when a shark eats your lower half.
Now that we’ve all had fun singing that Connie Francis classic (you did sing along, didn’t you?) I have a few extra moments to tell you what I thought about the recent remake of the movie of the same name. How can I put this delicately? Perhaps I’ll do what Connie F. would do and spell it out. The 2015 version of “Vacation” S-T-I-N-K-S R-E-A-L B-A-D, D-O-N-T W-A-S-T-E Y-O-U-R T-I-M-E.
‘Under the Dome’
And since I’m complaining about recent entertainment projects, I’d like to reiterate how much I hate the made-for-TV version of Stephen King’s “Under the Dome.” This inconsistent, erratic and horribly crafted turd is so badly flawed, if I were to give it the Connie Francis treatment, the world would run out of hyphens. King’s version, yes. TV version, haaaayall no!
I actually hate myself more than usual because I LIKED this movie. Well-written, well-acted, well-everything. And just for the record, it is NOT a chick flick. It has all the elements – romance, touching scenes between sisters, a poignant funeral and a corny ending. But Lebron James and Marv Albert both appear in the film and thus, you can’t take my man card away. Although, I wouldn’t blame you for trying.