Talk of the town: All the news you need. PERIOD!


Balcony seats

A New York congressman threatened to throw a reporter off a balcony after a post-State of the Union address that was hilariously captured on video. And here I thought it was perfectly normal for public officials to threaten reporters. The big meanies. I’ve been getting threats almost daily for 20 years now, but the only time I got hurled over a balcony was that time I rushed the stage during a production of “Romeo & Juliet.” I couldn’t help myself. Juliet and I were meant to be together.

You don’t mess around with Jim

Weatherman Jim Cantore is no stranger to the art of violence, either. When rushed by a frat boy while giving a live report, Cantore employed subtle Judo and sent that kid packing with aching boy parts. Beautiful. Although to be fair, Hero Photographer Russ Dillingham performs moves like this while he sleeps. (I stole that line from editor Mark Mogensen. I regret nothing.)


In Auburn, a school bus was brought to a halt because a child had a toy gun in his backpack. The reaction to this was a little bit louder than I would have expected, but that’s the state of things, I guess. If the NRA doesn’t step in on this one, maybe Fisher-Price should.


The latest internet annoyance. People spell out this word in all capital letters to imply that their remark in an online forum is so unassailable, no more need be said about it. I hate it. It’s right up there with “I’m just saying” on this list of things that should be banned forever. The only time a person should be allowed to shout out “PERIOD” is when watching the opening scene to “Carrie.”

Watch where yer going

Bank robbery in Lewiston. I’ve covered hundreds of these by this point, but I still can’t get over how many people will walk, heads down, eyes glued to their smartphones, straight through the crime scene. And then they get all indignant when people yell at them. It boggles the mind. How can they look at their phones while their heads are so •••••••••••••••••••   cold?

Power trip

If the editors edit out the above joke, I fully plan to use my executive powers to get it done. I won’t take it. The •••••••••••••••• geniuses!