Wife questions motives for cheating on husband

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FOR RELEASE: WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5, 2015

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and on my second marriage. My husband of two years is every girl’s dream man — the kindest, gentlest, most patient guy. He loves me for everything, including my flaws. I honestly believe he is the only one who could ever handle me.

So tell me, why am I cheating on him? I never thought I could find myself in this situation. I have a lot happening in my life, but there is no excuse for why I am straying from such an amazing husband. I love him, but when I get a text, I hope so badly that it’s from the other man, and when it’s from my husband I feel disappointment.

We see the other man. He works for my parents. This situation is messy, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell my husband — it would ruin his life. I’d rather just leave him without giving any reason than tell him the truth. I want to leave him and live my own life, but I’m afraid to be on my own. I don’t know why I stay. I’m lost and confused. Can I have some advice, please? — RECKLESS IN FLORIDA

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DEAR RECKLESS: You’re playing at matrimony as if it were a game instead of a deep, enduring partnership. Staying married to someone because you’re afraid to be on your own is doing both of you a disservice.

If you think leaving your husband “for no reason” would be less hurtful than telling him the truth, you are mistaken. You owe it to him to level with him about the affair so he won’t blame himself for your leaving. When you do, I strongly recommend that you get counseling from a licensed mental health professional to help you slow down and more carefully consider what you’re doing before you marry a third time.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 3 1/2 years to my wonderful husband. We are both 51. It’s my first marriage and his second. He complains that I am not sensual enough for his needs, or intimate enough. I have been with only two men in my life but have dated a lot. I’m Catholic and had no complaints from my ex-fiance.

My question is: How do I become more sensual and intimate? His complaints are vague. We see a marriage counselor every three weeks. I can ask the counselor. I can ask a close friend. I can buy books, but thought I’d also give you a try. — NOT GOOD ENOUGH IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR NOT GOOD: Honest communication is essential in a strong marriage, so the person to ask is your husband because only he can answer this question.

I’m glad that the two of you are in marriage counseling, and I recommend you raise this subject during your next session. Because your husband seems capable of only vague answers when you have asked for clarification, your counselor may be able to encourage him to open up. If that’s not possible, then the two of you should consult a licensed sex therapist.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

To receive a collection of Abby’s most memorable — and most frequently requested — poems and essays, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby — Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

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