Here are snippets of dialogue from the “Seinfeld” episodes that were the basis for most of the comments in the story:
Spare a square:
ELAINE: What a dope!
uh..excuse me. umm.. I’m sorry
JANE: (from the stall on Elaine’s right) Are you talking to me?
ELAINE: yeah.. I I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some.
JANE: No I’m sorry
JANE: No I’m sorry, I can’t spare it
ELAINE: you can’t spare it??
JANE: no there’s not enough to spare
ELAINE: well I don’t need much, just 3 squares will do it
JANE: I’m sorry I don’t have a square to spare, now if you don’t mind
ELAINE: 3 squares? you can’t spare 3 squares??
JANE: no I don’t have a square to spare, I can’t spare a square
ELAINE: oh is it two-ply? cause it it’s two-ply I’ll take one ply, one ply, one puny little ply, I’ll take one measly ply
JANE: look, I don’t have a square and I don’t have a ply (flushing and leaving)
ELAINE: No no, no no, don’t don’t, I beg you
GEORGE: [Soup Nazi gives him a look] Medium turkey chili.
[instantly moves to the cashier]
JERRY: Medium crab bisque.
GEORGE: [looks in his bag and notices no bread in it] I didn’t get any bread.
JERRY: Just forget it. Let it go.
GEORGE: Um, excuse me, I – I think you forgot my bread.
SOUP NAZI: Bread, $2 extra.
GEORGE: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
SOUP: You want bread?
GEORGE: Yes, please.
SOUP NAZI: $3!
SOUP NAZI: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
[snaps his fingers. The cashier instantly takes George’s soup and gives him back his money]
WOMAN: Y’know I really think I’m falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld. (stands up, a quick kiss on the cheek and hugs him.)
WOMAN: Oh, well, I really think I’m falling for you… [opens the playbill and flips five pages till he finds and reads autograph] …..Joseph Puglia…
WOMAN: I had it autographed for my uncle.
JERRY: Yeah, I-I know…
WOMAN: (licks he lips) You don’t know my name, do you?
JERRY: Yes I do.
WOMAN: What is it?
JERRY: It-it rhymes with a female body part.
WOMAN: What is it?
(She turns and grabs her purse, playbill and coat and leaves the apartment. Jerry follows)
JERRY: Aub, ah, Gipple?
( He closes the door and and goes to get something out of the refrigerator, but before the fridge light can even go on, a light goes on in Jerry’s head and he rushes to the window to catch the Mystery Woman before she gets out of earshot.)
JERRY: Oh! Oh! *Delores*
Not that there’s anything wrong with that
JERRY: Oh God, you’re that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I *knew* you looked familiar!
Jerry: There’s been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That’s why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We’re not gay! Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
GEORGE: No, of course not…
JERRY: I mean that’s fine if that’s who you are…
JERRY: I mean I have many gay friends…
GEORGE: My *father* is gay…
George and the mobility scooter
[George is riding his Rascal scooter on a city sidewalk when he accidentally bumps another scooter as its owner and some friends are walking out of a nearby store.]
MAN: Hey, hey! You dented my ride.
GEORGE: Whatcha got there, the 4-volt? Heh, I did you a favor.
MAN: How about I do you a favor upside your head?
GEORGE: Oh yeah?
MAN: Oh yeah.
(George leaps back on his scooter and floors it.)
WOMAN: Get the bikes.
JERRY: So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle… and you think to yourself: “What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.”
GEORGE: No, no, no. It was not trash.
JERRY Was it in the trash?
JERRY: Then it was trash.
GEORGE: It wasn’t down in. It was sort of on top.
JERRY: But it was in the cylinder.
George Louis Costanza: Above the rim.
JERRY: Adjacent to refuse is refuse.
GEORGE: It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.
JERRY: Was it eaten?
GEORGE: One little bite.
JERRY: Well, that’s garbage.
GEORGE: But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt.
GEORGE: You, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum.
(a woman (Ellen) is talking to Jerry.)
ELLEN: Yeah, I think I’ve seen you in a club. You talk about a lot of everyday things, right?
ELLEN: Yeah, I remember you.
(Ellen turns her back and the camera pans out to Elaine, sitting on the couch near a pretentious woman.)WOMAN: I wonder what happened to my fiancé. I know he’s here somewhere. Ellen? Have you seen my fiancé?
ELLEN: He’s upstairs.
WOMAN: Are you going upstairs? Tell my fiancé I’m looking for him. I havelost my fiancé, the poor baby.
ELAINE: Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
ELAINE: The dingo ate your baby!
Sold out in Portland
On Saturday, Feb. 22, Jerry Seinfeld will be appearing before a sold-out crowd at Merrill Auditorium in Portland.