You know what’s cool about having this column? Even if I’m asleep at my desk or far, far away, it appears as though I’m actively working. Take this particular column for example. You’d think I was sitting here pensively tapping my teeth with a pencil, trying to get the words just right. You probably imagine me glancing at my watch every few seconds, fretting over deadline.

Ha! Sucker! I don’t even have a watch! And the fact is, I’m miles away, probably lying unconscious on a beach with drool hanging from the corner of my mouth. Vacation, baby! Time away! Packed all my troubles in my old kit bag and boogied on down the road. Freedom, I tells you!

Vacations make me nervous. Stray away from your beat too long and all varieties of zaniness might occur. Crime will run rampant in the streets. Mayhem will rise to mock your absence. Hot tips will float like pollen through the air, to be snatched by some slacker filling in for you.

I grow apprehensive as the miles tick away behind me. What if the BIG ONE breaks while I’m out of earshot? I’ll be in a tent somewhere, fighting mosquitoes for space, as the Twin Cities erupt into an unprecedented frenzy. I’ll be looking like a dork at some campsite somewhere while reporters in downtown Lewiston shine.

“It was amazing. A once in a lifetime event,” they’ll say at the post-mayhem press conference. “This is what every reporter dreams of. Too bad LaFlamme is such a baby, he needed to take a vacation to Sissy World.”

Hey, whatever. I’d opt to take my vacations in Kennedy Park but the wife won’t let me. I tried to sell her on the historical splendor of the gazebo and the awe-inspiring wildlife but she wouldn’t bite.

The thing about news is, it’s as unpredictable as anything in the universe. It can happen now, it can happen later. Good news, bad news, bizarre news. It can come in any form and at any time.

I swear, the unpredictable nature of news is more profound in this community. Let your guard down too long and BOOM! Hell breaks loose.

In other places, there seems to be a more orderly ebb and flow of big events. A reporter takes a look at the calendar, assesses the weather and he can predict with fair accuracy what the mood of the city will be. A couple days of heat-inspired violence followed by cool rain and cool temperaments. Ebb and flow.

Here, as they say, it’s days and days of boredom punctuated by moments of panic. Local newsmakers will not be pigeonholed by how sociologists or journalists say they should behave.

But what’re you gonna do? I try to plan my vacations around lulls, but that’s folly. Around here, the Fourth of July and New Year’s Eve might be calm days, but people will go nuts on Arbor and Groundhog days. Illogical, yes. But that’s the nature of news.

So, I’ll take my vacation and run the risk of missing out on big news and high reporter times. I take a little comfort in the aid of technology: the cell phone for live information from tipsters; voice mail for stuff that can wait; e-mail for written leads and information about how I can lose 50 pounds overnight.

By tipsters, I mean you. Surely you know what’s happening in your neighborhood. Surely you have your ear to the ground, alert for the slightest rumble of activity. Call me, write me, send me smoke signals. I’ll send you a nice postcard. From Sissy World.

mlaflamme@sunjournal.com