REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE

Rick Carlisle has turned down a front office job with the Indiana Pacers and is leaving the team. So he’s free to become the midseason replacement who leads the Celtics to a 34-48 record and gives everyone a summer’s supply of phony hope next year.

TIME’S A WASTIN’

Barry Bonds ended a streak of 13 games without a home run Monday night. Hey, at least it bought God an extra two weeks to give Bonds a little touch from on high and a recurrence of the arthritis in that knee.

LET’S CALL IT EVEN

Juan Uribe of the White Sox denied that he paid more than $25,000 to have charges that he shot two men dropped in his native Dominican Republic. If the story is true, it’s kind of encouraging to know that America isn’t the only place a rich, famous person can buy his way out of trouble.

SHOWING HIM THEY MEAN BUSINESS

Wannabe Duke lacrosse prosecutor Mike Nifong could be disbarred at his trial in North Carolina this week. No real sweat for Nifong, who is bound to resurface as a celebrity voiceover for Joe Bornstein commercials.

I’M NOT JUST A SPOKESMAN, I’M ALSO A CLIENT

Mike Ditka is now leading the fight accusing the NFL Players Association of neglecting retired, struggling players. Ditka’s only bitter because Gene Upshaw wouldn’t sign off on his erectile dysfunction meds.

HOW CAN WE MISS YOU WHEN YOU WERE ALREADY GONE?

Chamique Holdsclaw retired Monday. Funny, after all these years of having the WNBA crammed down our throat, I had no clue she was still playing. But I knew enough to know she was a bust.

REIGNING IN THE RAIN FOREST

Was just watching some baseball highlights and I could swear they said Oregon State is the defending College World Series champion. Yeah, there’s no way Maine can compete with warm-weather teams like that.


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