FOOTING THE BILL FOR HILL

Grant Hill has agreed in principle to a two-year, $3.8 million deal with the Phoenix Suns. Memo to Danny Ainge: It’s OK to overpay for a 30-something with orthopedic sneaker inserts who was a better player in college when you already have Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire, Shawn Marion and Boris Diaw on your team.

GIVES ME A ‘REVERSAL’

Joey Chestnut was called “a true American hero” in ESPN’s coverage of his Coney Island Hot Dog Eating victory over Takeru Kobayashi. I’m sooooo hoping it was only me missing the humor and irony.

SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO EVIL, SPEAK NO EVIL

Lance Armstrong says he doesn’t believe Floyd Landis is guilty of doping. Yeah, and you won’t hear Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa or Rafael Palmeiro throwing stones at Barry Bonds, either.

IF A CENTER FALLS IN A FOREST AND NOBODY’S WATCHING

Jeremy Roenick has retired from the NHL after 18 seasons. I think I speak for every mainstream sports fan when I say No way, Jeremy Roenick was still playing hockey?

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS AN ENERGY DRINK

The IOC has awarded Sochi, a resort city in Russia, the 2014 Winter Olympics. A resort in Russia, huh? There’s fun for the whole family.

I’D SUE FOR DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER

Chauncey Billups’ agent called reports of his signing a five-year, $60 million deal with the Detroit Pistons a “vicious rumor.” Ouch, he’s right. How could anyone suggest with a straight face that any self-respecting NBA player could work for $148,000 a game?

HOW TO LOSE 100 GAMES IN YOUR SLEEP

Every year, we hear that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays boast some of the best prospects in baseball. Every year, Red Sox fans get 19 chances to see them up close and realize they aren’t good enough to go .500 in the Eastern League. And you can bet Bud Selig still wants to contract the Minnesota Twins. What a buffoon.