No football? No problem. Embattled Tennessee Titans defensive back Pacman Jones has signed a contract with Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Hopefully NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell knows it’s fake, or Jones’ banishment will increase from one season to lifetime after the first episode.

Call him St. Joseph and give him some aspirin

Kyle Busch will replace J.J. Yeley at Joe Gibbs Racing in the NASCAR Nextel Cup Series in 2008. So Tony Stewart and Denny Hamlin already squabble like Cain and Abel, and now Joe’s adding a Busch brother to the mix? Always knew Gibbs was a strong Christian guy, but if he makes this work, he should be nominated for sainthood.

Changing post office boes in hockey purgatory

Florida Panthers coach Doug MacLean is the head of a group intending to purchase the Tampa Bay Lightning. This presumably means he isn’t smart enough to move the NHL team to a state where people can actually identify a hockey puck.

Quicker than his response to ‘roids . . . by a decade

Major League Baseball’s umpires union says it will not submit to Commissioner Bud Selig’s request for background checks in response to the NBA referee gambling scandal. Amen. Since when does Selig immediately address a potentially virulent issue that threatens the very fiber of professional sports, anyway?

Peace in his time

MRI results were negative on Terrell Owens’ allegedly stiff lower back, but the always understated Cowboys receiver was held out of practice again, anyway. Guess new coach Wade Phillips isn’t much of a world history buff. He has no idea what happened to Europe when they tried that appeasement thing in the 1930s.

All downhill from here

Tom Brady turned 30 over the weekend. Take it from Brett Favre, Donovan McNabb and John Elway before you and make hay while the sun shines, Tom. Within two years, whether or not you sustain the first major injury of your career, the Patriots will waste their first pick in the draft on your successor. Have fun.

Imperfect pitch

Hard to understand this obsession with Tom Glavine possibly becoming the “last” pitcher to reach 300 wins. Aren’t there always going to be 162 games in a season? Will there not be a winning pitcher and losing pitcher in each of those games? Won’t human beings forever adore money? Enough of this fabricated story, already.