Cingular excuse

Here’s a suggestion for Roger Clemens’ next cellular service commercial. We open with the Rocket hitting the showers after getting shelled by the Seattle Mariners. He complains of some stiffness in his elbow and the team doctor, even though he’s skeptical because Clemens always makes excuses after he pitches poorly, orders an MRI. The results come back positive for once, and Clemens calls his wife, Debbie, to inform her. Debbie Clemens, thinking it’s a joke, starts giggling, but the call is dropped. Roger, thinking his wife has fainted, hurriedly boards a charter flight to Houston. Cue crappy, semi-obscure, sentimental song. The End.

What about their heads?

Researchers who examined the hearts of former Tour de France bikers found that the athletes’ hearts were from 20 to 40 percent larger than average. The difference is attributable largely to rigorous training that expands the cyclists’ hearts. But researchers have not yet determined whether the athletes’ hearts were larger to begin with. That kind of research would require needles, and we know how the cyclists are frightened of needles.

NC-double-duh

An Aug. 23 football game between Northwest Missouri State and Arkansas Tech will be tossed out without consequence to either team after being called in the first quarter due to lightning, with Northwest Missouri State ahead 21-0. The NCAA said the decision was made Friday during a conference call with the two schools and that neither team will be credited with a win or a loss. The fact that the NCAA needed to hold a conference call to determine this more than a week after the game tells you all you need to know about the NCAA.

Tiki torches coach

Tiki Barber blames Tom Coughlin for driving him away from football, saying the Giants head coach robbed him of the joy of playing football. Geez, I always had Coughlin as a fun-loving guy.

Missing two-a-days is fine with him

Michael Strahan reported to the New York Giants on Monday, six days before the season opener, to end a holdout that may cost him more than $500,000 in fines. Strahan hopes the Giants will forgive him the fine when he points out he had to pay that much in alimony during his holdout.