Christmas music, police scanner-style

On Christmas morning, a woman in Lewiston scooped up all of the presents beneath the tree and chucked them out into the street. Police were called and, while I wasn’t there to see how it unfolded, I think it’s safe to assume it went like this:

Officer 1: “Ma’am, we really need you to calm down. If you’ll just take a seat in my cruiser and … Say … is that a Flowbee hair cutting system?”

Officer 2: “Holy Smokes! A 16-ounce bottle of Drakar Noir!”

Officer 3: “I love Drakar Noir! Trade you the Rabbit corkscrew for it.”

Officer 2: “Throw in that cheese ball and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

Officer 4: “The ShamWow gift set is mine. If any of you have a problem with that, I’ll fight you right here, right now …”

Officer 5: “Hot Wheels Molten Menace! I didn’t even know they made these anymore! Gee willickers!”

Officer 6: “Underwear! What a gyp …”

Officer 7: “Lifesavers gift box? Son of a …”

Random guy who isn’t a cop but who once considered going to the police academy: “Anybody taking the Susan Boyle CD? I’d like to have it for my, uh … wife.”

Officer presently on loan to the tactical team: “Step away from the Tracfone with 200 bonus minutes! I repeat, step away from the …”

Detective paged to the scene: “That M&M-filled candy cane is going into the evidence locker. And by evidence locker, I mean my mouth.”

Somewhere in the distance, a bell rang and an angel got his wings. They were swiftly stolen by a crackhead. Police are investigating.

Your New Year’s resolution

If you’ve already blown it, raise your hand. OK, put your hand down. You look ridiculous.


A shout-out to a man named Ernie who sent me an old photograph, circa 1902, from LaFlamme studios along with an NHL hockey card featuring a player named Christian LaFlamme. This is some cool stuff. If you’re a stalker, you’ve got a cool style. I like that.


A shout-out also to Auburn Mayor Richard Gleason for sending along a “Hub of Maine” bumper sticker. Word on the street is that these things are like “get out of jail free” cards within Auburn city limits. Cops spot one of these stickers proudly affixed to your bumper sticker and maybe they don’t see the dead hooker in your passenger seat or the kilo of Panama Red in the glove compartment. But you didn’t hear that from me.


If only Charlie Sheen could be more like Charlie Harper. Harper is a hedonistic, skirt-chasing lush who fell into a bunch of money. Sheen is the same thing but with a nasty temper. The difference is huge.

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