Then there’s your fascination with outhouses.

Your “Twilight” obsession.

Your devotion to half-naked fantasy men.

Shopping Siren mused about this as she wandered the aisles the other day, picking up “Bad Girl’s Rage-A-Day” here and “365 Reasons to Have Sex” there. The conclusion: TMI (too much information) can extend to calendars.

I, for example, enjoy incredibly geeky sci-fi shows. And adorable fuzzy animals. Also, men in uniform. So the minute I find a calendar that features Lt. Col. John Sheppard standing in front of a stargate and holding a baby bunny, I will knock down small children to get to the front of the line to buy it.

However, do I want my co-workers to be aware of said bunny/stargate/dress blues fantasy? Not so much.

So it’s with this in mind that I offer you a selection of strange, embarrassing, oh-my-God-what-is-that calendars you might want to reconsider using to pencil in that meeting with the boss. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all fantastic ways to keep track of 2010. And they’re all half off their original prices! But for your cubicle bulletin board? Maybe opt for something less likely to cause a visit from HR.

Now excuse me while I leaf through reasons 20 through 25. No. 22 looked very interesting in the store.

• “365 Reasons To Have Sex” by Chronicle Books, Day by Day Calendar Co. (temporary shop in the Auburn Mall), $6.49

This daily desk calendar offers gems like “My therapist suggested it” and “I ran out of batteries,” along with pickup lines, tips, facts and quotes to help you, um, make it through the year. Calendar tag line: “For people who do it.” And who apparently need help continuing.

• “Bad Girl’s Rage-A-Day” by Chronicle Books, Day by Day Calendar Co., $6.49

Daily desk calendar that provides tips on raging against the good-girl machine: Leave a bad date. Throw a strip-poker party. Talk back to your boss. Hey, I’m all for turning the good-girl world a little bad. Your boss, however, may have other thoughts.

• “Ziggy’s Hot Date” by Andrews McMeel Publishing, Day by Day Calendar Co., $6.99

Ziggy. Since it is not 1982 and you are not in junior high, your co-workers will laugh and point at you. As well they should.

• “365 Days of Procrastination” and “It’s All About Me All Year Long” by Chronicle Books, Waldenbooks, $6.99 each

Notepad calendars for the dawdler and narcissist in us all. “It’s All About Me” lets you log your daily degree of self-involvement by shading in up to five hand mirrors. “Procrastination” allows you to list things to avoid, delay, pawn off and sabotage. At work, neither calendar screams “I deserve a promotion!” At home, they might make your
significant other just scream. Skip these or you really could need “365 Reasons to Have Sex.”

• “Maxim,” Waldenbooks, $7.49

Maxim. That’s all I have to say.

• “Outhouses” by Avalanche, Waldenbooks, $6.99

Outhouses in the woods! Outhouse in the snow! Sixteen months of outhouses! People are just going to think you’re weird.

• “Boris Vallejo and Julie Bell’s Fantasy Calendar” by Workman Publishing, Mr. Paperback, $5.99

Pulp fantasy illustrations featuring scantily clad woman with wolves, dragons and other beasts. Vallejo and Bell are talented artists, yes, but not at all subtle with their subtext. I have five words for you: half-naked woman riding unicorn.

Best find: “Tropical Paradise” by Moseley Road, Waldenbooks, $6.99

Month after month of beautiful full-color photos of sun, sand and surf — perfect for hours of wistful daydreaming. Which, you know, you probably don’t want to do at work. Or maybe you do. I’m not here to judge.

Think twice: “Paw Pals” by Time Factory Publishing, Waldenbooks, $6.49

You’ll be tempted. Adorable black-and-white photos of adorable dogs and adorable cats sleeping together, eating together and gazing adorably at the camera together. Adorable! Groan. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for cute, fuzzy animals. (Lt. Col. John Sheppard, stargate, baby bunny.) But this calendar is so sickly sweet that your co-workers will likely fall into a diabetic coma at the mere sight of it. So reduce the mortal risk to those around you — really, do you want to take over Tom’s job of making copies while he’s all curled and fetal on the floor? — and tape this one to your fridge at home instead.

Shopping Siren’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who find interspecies cuddling adorable) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at
[email protected].


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