Know how you plan something, something that just has to work, something so simple it’s nearly infallible?

Well.

This week, we wanted to test a variety of candies for their heat-endurance and beach-appropriateness so we could suggest what sorts of sugary treats to enjoy while sunning yourself and what to resign to cool, movie-theater depths.

Then, it had to get all cloudy.

So instead of testing in a hot car … we had to use an oven to simulate a hot car. With trepidation.

We quickly determined 1.) We would not use the office oven (career longevity and the wrath of Human Resources — big factors)  and 2.) Home ovens don’t go below 170 degrees, which is ridiculously hot, even for a vehicle with closed windows and a campfire going on the bucket seats.

But hey. As if we’d let that stop us.

Our compromise: 5 minutes in a home oven at 170 degrees with the oven door cracked, 5 more minutes at 170 degrees with the oven door closed. The results, we think, will surprise you.

Grab a supple blanket, sunscreen, a good read (Bag Lady suggests “Monkeewrench” by P.J. Tracy; Shopping Siren recommends anything by Dean Koontz) and prepare to laze away a day with a snack that can endure as long as you.

Chunky, 1.4 oz., Dollar Tree, 59 cents

Melting scale: 1 (1 being swampy mush, 5 being near heat-proof)

It’s foreboding when the chocolate is already melty when you unwrap it. After the oven, this block of peanuts, raisins and milk chocolate seemed held together by sheer force of will. A will that  dissolved when you poked at it.

Junior Mints, 4 oz., DT, $1

Melting scale: 1

All that remained? A sad, silver puddle dotted with chocolate isles. Somewhere, there’s a song in that.

Gummy Sharks, 6 oz., DT, $1

Melting scale: 1

We figured gummy anything would be nearly impenetrable, but we were wrong. So very, very wrong. Mr. Bag Lady said it looked as though someone had spit Scope all over the cookie sheet. Um, happy snacking!

Raisinets, 3.5 oz., DT, $1

Melting Scale: 2

These dark chocolate-covered raisins were fine at first. Then, *implosion.* You have enough things to worry about pool-side (Did I remember to bring a hair tie? Is that weird guy looking at me? Again?). Imploding candy shouldn’t be one of them.

Ring Pop, 4-pack, DT, $1

Melting scale: 2.5

BL and SS were wicked nostalgic over these. (Nothing says childhood like a giant lollipop you wear on your finger.) The bling-shaped candy melted about 30 percent but its plastic handle stayed fully intact. So.  Totally still edible.

Sugar Babies, 4.5 oz., DT, $1

Melting scale: 4

Seriously, chocolate covered caramel? To us that just screamed “melt me.” And yet these little candies kept their shape and (mostly) firmness. Sure, the chocolate coating was soft to the touch, but we were overall impressed. And caramel doesn’t impress us easily. 

Almond Joy, 45 grams, DT, 59 cents

Melting scale: 4.5

Wow. Melty when poked, but it retained its shape and didn’t so much as smudge the cookie sheet. Totally unexpected from a chocolate bar. And totally delicious!

Twizzlers, 5 oz., DT, $1

Melting scale: 5

Bring on the sun! These babies didn’t even break a sweat in up to 170 degrees. No puddles, no melting, no shape loss of any kind. The perfect candy for the perfect beach day. And that beach day should be coming any time now. Any. Time. N—

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who know better than to stay in a hot car) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.